People often say to me, “Hey Cal, do you ever wonder how you’re going to die?” Seriously, if I had a penny for every time that someone asked me this I would have an annoying amount of pennies jingling around in my pocket. The truth is I don’t wonder how I’m going to die. I already know. I will be crushed to death by a falling chandelier in Starr.

It will take men with winches (winchmen?) to free my body from the wreckage. Eventually I will be carried out the front door of Sterling Memorial Library in a body bag. Before the winchmen reach the door they will unzip my body bag to prove that my death isn’t an elaborate set up to help them steal library books.