You’re the first to arrive at section. Maybe this is typical of you; maybe you are aghast at your own promptness. In any case, no peers rise and greet you with a fraternal handshake — there is only an oaken table and someone’s misplaced Nalgene and a bunch of little wooden chairs with the carved seats that look like negatives of butt cheeks.

But do not, DO NOT, simply take a butt-cheeked seat and pull out your phone. It’s been done. What’s more, we both know that Smug Rebecca will see right through your lonely insecurity the moment that she walks through the door. Instead, seize this opportunity to outdo your tardier, more delinquent classmates before they’ve even uttered th­eir first archaic reference.

Some of the most productive uses of your time:

-Appropriate the blackboard as your artistic canvas and sketch a rough chalk portrait of each your classmates and TA — no need to be lonely while you’re alone!

-Order just one slice of pizza, to be delivered to your seat in the midst of class. This is a power move.

-Throw mediocre paper airplanes out the window at birds, to give our avian friends an ego boost about their comparatively magnificent powers of flight.

-Call your mom. Now put it on speaker. Keep her involved in the major discussion points for the entirety of class.

-Research what an “Eli Buck” might be and how I can get one.

-Make place cards for your classmates, seating them in order of how likely they would be to clear their throat the first time that you try to speak up.

-Lock yourself in, put on the sickest Baby Mozart Lullabies track that you know, and snooze like a hero.