CREDIT: Party Facts
Talking is hard! I totally get it. It’s why we’ve all been asking each other the same questions for the past week re: shopping period. Which is why I love my mental list of party facts. Example:
Other: (says things I don’t care about)
Me: Did you know Ke$ha is a certified genius?
Other: Really?
Me: Yeah. Her IQ’s over 150. She got into Columbia, but decided to go on tour instead.
Other: That’s so crazy.
Me: I know. I kind of respect it, though. Like she totally just figured out how to manipulate the consumer market.
Other: I guess that’s true.
From there, the conversation can go literally anywhere, or you can leave. Did you know bison can jump eight feet in the air? From a standstill. They’re like all muscle.
D: Iambic Pentameter
I’m unconvinced. I feel like anyone can take a sentence and decide to emphasize every other syllable. Often I read something that’s “in iambic pentameter,” and while it has 10 syllables, I’m thinking—this is an iamb because you make it so. To quote my poetry professor last semester, iambic pentameter is “more of a feeling” than a concrete thing. And while feelings are absolutely real, 100 percent, I still think iambic pentameter is the greatest urban legend of all. Which is why I’m giving it a D and not a fail: its centuries-long survival is very impressive, evolutionarily speaking, for something doesn’t actually exist. Iambic pentameter is this incredibly pervasive spiritual idea, and we all bought into it without asking questions. This blind acceptance has to stop. Someone should explore it for an AmStud senior project (Possible Title: “I Think, Therefore, Iamb: Iambic Pentameter as a Social Construct.”)
FAIL: Evelyn Economy
Oh, Evelyn, you Bridgewater Recruiter, AOL Fembot, you. Thank you for the email offering me one of your limited number of spots. As if the stress of on campus recruitment isn’t bad enough, now I have you toying with my heart. While I agree that I am a high-potential-rising star, I would feel more flattered if I didn’t feel totally CATFISHED.
Because I see you, Evelyn! You don’t even have a real name! If it is your real name, though, that reminds me of how people named Georgia are more likely to move to Georgia. But really—it’s not your name. You’re probably not even a real person. I know this, you know this. Stop being so silly!