Dear Katherine,

I am demonstrably socially awkward. HOW DO I TALK TO MEN!?!?!

Sincerely,

Awk.

Dear Awk.,

In hopes of finding the magical how-to-talk-to-men-formula, I searched the world of Google. The first result brought up an article from Women’s Health Magazine titled, fittingly, “How to Talk to a Man.” According to those folks, it’s simple: just dumb down your anecdotal stories (since, you know, men can’t digest more than a few sentences); use more nouns and verbs; and talk to men in a way that gives a “play-by-play” of a story, rather than a detailed version (just like the sports they watch!).

Of course, that’s a bunch of sexist foolishness. Your real question should be: How do I talk to people who make me so nervous I can’t speak?

You just do it, Awk. You ask the guy in your anthropology class if he knows when the next midterm is. You introduce yourself to your friend’s friend at a party and ask him how he knows the people there. You smile at the guy on the bus and ask him where he’s heading.

Of course, it doesn’t seem that simple to you — or a lot of people for that matter — because talking is the last thing you want to do when your heart is going to bounce out of your chest, your hands are shaking so hard you can’t text and you forget to swallow so you choke mid-sentence and you can’t remember what class you just got out of.

I get it. I do. But social awkwardness shouldn’t impede you from finding men. In fact, it might be your own self-consciousness holding you back, making you that “awkward” person you think yourself to be. We think, therefore we are — so to speak.

And it’s easy to feel that way. After all, our society praises extroversion. If you’re not extroverted, you’re “lacking.” You’re “other.” You’re taken out of the classroom. You’re not considered as “cool” as that charming, loud friend of yours.

But to hell with it. You are you. If that means you’re socially awkward and say “bye” when you meant to say “hi,” that’s fine. That shouldn’t mean people don’t like you. If they don’t that’s their problem, not yours. In fact, a little awkwardness can be charming to some people. (It just so happened it was my boyfriend’s humble nervousness when he first spoke to me, over two years ago, that attracted me to him — the same awkwardness my boyfriend later told me embarrassed him).

Ironically enough, Awk., perhaps it will be the moment you stop feeding insecurities about your awkwardness, and just accept your fumbling and rambling and too-long silences, that you’ll begin to speak with men.

Yours,

Katherine