Like most people raised within the past forty years or so, I have developed an unhealthy, never-ending relationship with Star Wars. The bravery of Luke, the kind wisdom of old Ben Kenobi, the weeping broodiness of young Anakin – Star Wars provided me with the characters and stories that defined my childhood. It is a fandom that has failed me frequently, yet always leaves me crawling back for more, like the space opera equivalent of crack cocaine.
Following the acquisition of Star Wars by our once and future entertainment overlords, the Disney Corporation(™) , LucasArts announced that they were planning a number of spinoff films for some of the franchises’ most beloved characters, including Han Solo, Boba Fett and Yoda. Recently, rumors have been circling that a trilogy centered on Obi-Wan Kenobi is in the works, with many actors connected to the franchise voicing their support for the project. This announcement proves once again that the only universal truth in Hollywood is that Disney knows exactly how to take money out of my wallet and put it directly into their hands. I am 100% on board for more overly choreographed lightsaber fights, more desert homeworlds, and more of Ewan McGregor’s beard. It’s an absolute no-brainer, and I hope the rumors come to fruition.
But, as awesome as the Obi-Wan trilogy will undoubtedly be, the rumors got me thinking of the other, less revered characters in Star Wars history. Surely some of these characters have their own backstories to tell; why should only the cool characters get their own movies? Here are a few of my favorite ideas for Star Wars spinoffs that you probably won’t see at your local cinema anytime soon.
The Cantina Band: Behind the Muzaak
For those who have forgotten, the Cantina Band is the in-house entertainment during Star Wars: Episode IV‘s iconic Mos Eisley tavern scene. Composed of five “bith,” a race of bulbous-headed, fish lipped beatniks, the Cantina Band plays a rousing ragtime number that you’re probably already humming in your head. In the frequently confusing, now irrelevant Star Wars Extended Universe, the Cantina Band is actually named Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes, which is also the name of the ironic indie surfpop band you’ll be seeing at Sasquatch next year. Who wouldn’t want to watch a “Behind the Music” mockumentary starring the Modal Nodes? Late nights with Twilek dancers, gambling all your money away in high-stakes sabaac games, getting beat up by Mandalorian thugs for missing your loan payments. I could easily see Figrin D’an as an arrogant, John Lennon-esque megalomaniac. I’m already pumped for the DVD extras.
Kyle Katarn: Jedi Knight
Transitioning from a lowly Stormtrooper to a high ranking Rebel spy is no easy task. Neither is becoming a revered and powerful Jedi Knight. Overcoming the dangerous allure of the Dark Side is even harder still. The subject of two separate video game series produced in the late ’90s, Star Wars: Dark Forces and Star Wars: Jedi Knight, Kyle Katarn is perhaps the most famous Star Wars character to never appear in any of the films. His narrative arc, although now non-canonical after Disney’s Extended Universe purge, is filled to the brim with complex characterizations and anti-hero brooding. Everyone loves a good redemption story, and no one does redemption better than Kyle Katarn. With five classic games to pull from, surely there’s enough backstory to fill out a spinoff or two. George, I know you’re reading this – you owe us one. Make it happen!
Lando Calrissian a.k.a. Shaft in Space
As anyone who followed the casting for Episode VII will tell you, the majority of the original cast is returning for this installment, with one notable exception: Billy Dee Williams! Yes, Williams’ swagger-walkin’, smooth-talkin’ space pirate Lando Calrissian will be conspicuously absent from the new installment, despite the actor’s impressive 10th place finish on Dancing With The Stars earlier this year. But I still hold hopes for a Lando spinoff in the distant, distant future. In my poorly written fanfiction world, we see our lovable con man gamble his way to the top of Cloud City, seducing alien babes and knockin’ out all the jive-turkeys who get in his way. The world needs more righteous spice smugglers who play by their own rules. We just need to resurrect Isaac Hayes to compose a funky theme song, and the movie practically writes itself!
Jar-Jar Binks: Hero of the Republic
Just kidding! Although, when Disney inevitably takes over the world and enslaves us all, a series of Jar-Jar films would make a great torture device. Here’s hoping they spare us all.
By Kenneth Mullins