Don’t insult me, Tim Cook! You say this every year. I don’t have amnesia. But at least last year when we downloaded iOS 7 on our 4s’s for the three days before our 5s’s came, it looked different. Newsflash: iOS 8 looks exactly the fucking same. But it comes jammed-packed with new features, like a health app that does nothing and a new red card in the Passbook icon. The most significant changes came in iMessage. Here are the features you need to know about:
First the bad news. In iOS 8, the search bar at the top of the Messages menu almost never works. Really, Apple? If I have to scroll every time I need to refer to a chat, my thumbs will fall off. Sorry I get a lot of messages. I’ll sue your ass.
On the bright side, you can now leave group messages, taking passive-aggressive capabilities to a whole new level.
And finally, the feature you won’t be able to imagine life without: QuickType.
For the first time ever, iPhone users can write really weird shit by selecting one of three “predictively” Apple-generated words in succession. Here are some messages Apple (using me as a human vessel) has sent around to friends (#inspiration shoutout to @everythingsand):
Thank you, Apple, for allowing me never to touch a letter key again. It might even be worth all the scrolling.