Penelope,

So it seems like girls can get away with saying things like “I love you” and it doesn’t mean a whole lot, whereas if a guy says it, it’s seen as serious business. Is this accurate? Why is this?

-Confused Romantic
Dear Confused Romantic,

When I was in high school and boys were confusing (they still are), my father’s solution was to make me read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. The book contained lots of advice and covered a wide variety of topics pertaining to relationships. It also allowed my dad to gracefully sidestep an awkward conversation about boys with his teenage daughter. And although I only remember slivers of certain chapters, one lesson stands out above the rest: men and women are as different as aliens living on separate planets.

Culturally, men learn that it is “masculine” to mask their feelings, whereas women are expected to be soft and show how they feel. Though these stereotypes are slowly changing, depending on the person, “I love you” means many different things. “I love you” has a different connotation than “I love pizza” or “I love reading” or “I love Netflix.” Funny enough, English is one of the only languages that doesn’t use different forms of the verb “to love” when describing how we feel toward something or someone. This very thing just maximizes the confusion.

As a result, a good rule of thumb to follow is: first, determine where the relationship (friendship or otherwise) is. If you don’t know where you stand with the other person, “I love you” can make a mess of things. Are you friends? If you’ve attempted to be more than friends for a while now, to no avail, the final three nails in your friend zone coffin will be those  words: I. Love. You.

Any of my dearest male friends (who are probably cringing as I write this) attempting to escape the friendzone have been met with a favorite phrase of mine: “I love you! You’re like a brother to me.” I’ve known several girls who do the exact same thing. Not because we don’t value these words — we really do mean them. Just not in the way you want us to. Which is why the second phrase (“like a brother to me”) is emphasized. Again, we have the English language to thank for this. If we had a verb that means “to like as a friend enough to care about their well-being without wanting to be romantically involved” then we wouldn’t have any problems, and we would use it frequently. When “I love you” is said with the kindest intentions toward a FRIEND, it is meant as a friend. Which is why I can’t stress the importance enough of determining where you stand with this person.

It’s also a good idea to not assume you know how this person feels toward you. Ask. Communicate. Be sure. Assumption more often than not leads to heartache. Which lends itself to questioning the existence of love. Which leads to seeking advice. Which probably results in reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus alone, under the covers, eating ice cream.

Best of luck,

Penelope