Dr. Date,
My friends and I are all in periods of transition right now, and for me that means saying goodbye to a lot of really close friends who are moving away for jobs. I’ve found myself leaning a lot on my boyfriend, who will be staying around, to get through this time, but I want to make sure I’m not just using him as someone to spend time with or that I don’t turn into a bad girlfriend that takes more than she gives. How can I make sure the support he gives me is a healthy amount and that I don’t just use him for the wrong things, like coping?
—Leech
Dear Bloodsucker,
Well you’ve got one thing that many leeches in the sea lack, self-awareness. Sure, it’s a sticky situation, but now that you’ve admitted to being a stage 5 clinger it will just take a little time and determination to get you back on your own two feet again.
It’s time to bust out Doctor Date’s famous Anti-Clinger Tool Kit. The first thing the doc has for you is a hefty can of kickass. It’s great that your friends are going off and achieving their dreams. How ’bout you? How ’bout working on those dreams? Hmm? It’s time to shake a leg, sister. You’re never going to be happy if you don’t achieve things you’re proud of, and if you’re not happy, guess where you’ll end up? Dumpsville, that’s where.
Also in the tool kit is a new friends starter guide. Step 1 — Go sit in coffee shops and other cool public places alone. Strike up conversations. Step 2 — take up a new group hobby. Step 3 — Get an easy summer job where all your co-workers are young and dumb and fun.
As for thanking your old ball and chain for being the rock upon which you stand — a nice, old-fashioned beej never hurts.
—Dr. Date
Dear Dr. Date,
To say I am inexperienced at relationships is a bit of an understatement. I’ve never dated anyone, and at 22, I just lost my virginity. That’s where my question comes in. During a drunken night of flirtation, I lost it to a guy who has been a close friend and confidante for about 8 years now. He has a long list of sexual partners, including a good friend of mine who still has feelings for him. I have often affectionately referred to him as a “man-whore” when he has relayed his problems about women to me.
Up until the incident, I have never really considered him “boyfriend material.” We were the perfect Harry and Sally, minus the sexual tension. Afterward, we toyed with the idea of becoming more than friends. However, after Spring Break, he won’t even hug me “hi” or “bye” anymore. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want a romantic relationship, but going back to being just friends makes me feel sick and kind of angry at him. Is my anger irrational? If he doesn’t want a romantic relationship anymore, should I end the friendship as well? Also, we didn’t tell anyone what was happening, and my friend keeps asking why he doesn’t return her phone calls. Do I have to tell her I was the reason why?
—Sally
Meg Ryan, My Butt,
Listen honey, I’ve watched “When Harry Met Sally” nearly every Sunday morning since freshman year. I know it line for line, scene by scene, and you ain’t no Sally.
What you’re feeling is natural. After giving someone — even someone you like and trust — your most precious gem, if you will, it’s OK to feel vulnerable and confused. I think you’re confused.
You and this “man-whore” are friends. You are friends who had sex — once. This doesn’t mean he wants a relationship, but it also doesn’t mean you should feel like you want one either.
He is probably acting cold toward you now because he doesn’t want you to get the wrong idea about what that one drunken night meant to him. I think the friendship is salvageable, but it’s going to take some time.
As for the other gal, let’s call her Helen Hillson for the sake of continuity, there’s no reason why she has to know about your night of romance. I wouldn’t assume that you’re the reason he’s not calling her back. When you assume, you make an ass out of Harry and Sally.
—Dr. Date