Julie waited patiently at her husband’s favorite bar as he returned from a week-long trip away from home. She was eager for a night alone with him and wanted to surprise him. When he finally entered, an unknown woman sprang from her seat to hug him — and then kiss him. Finally, when he noticed Julie’s presence, he walked up and sat down with her and nonchalantly told her he didn’t know who that woman was.

And that was it. Julie didn’t ask any questions and their whole evening was spent dancing as if nothing had ever happened.

But, how? How could Julie, right after seeing her husband kiss another woman in front of her eyes, not even question his fidelity?

Because she was suffering from “betrayal blindness.” Or, at least, that’s what authors and University of Oregon psychologists, Jennifer Freyd and Pamela Birrell believe. 

Julie’s case is the opening scene in Freyd and Birrell’s recently published book, “Blind to Betrayal.” Hers is a great example of betrayal blindness, they say, because she “saw” the kiss but didn’t register it as an act of infidelity. She was blind to the whole betrayal.

But the woman wasn’t unintelligent or slow. She was a strong mother and would later become a successful lawyer; so, how could this betrayal blindness even occur? In an interview, Freyd claims it has to do with the way we cope with betrayal trauma. Betrayals are traumatic, she said — especially when done by someone whom we thought we could trust. The betrayal can be so traumatic that by subconsciously not “seeing” the problem, we are lowering its consequences. That’s where, according to her, “betrayal blindness comes in.

“By allowing ourselves to ‘see’ the betrayal, we are acknowledging it is there,” she said. “If we do that, we are faced with confronting the situation, the person. This is especially difficult for those who depend on their betrayer, and by confronting their betrayer, (they) risk their safety or stability.”

And Julie did rely on her husband for stability at the time in which the strange kiss occurred. She was dependent on him for a vital resource: money. With no job, minimal work experience and a son to watch out for, the demise of her relationship with her husband would have meant not only becoming husbandless but penniless as well.

Betrayals occur not only when talking about romantic infidelity. A child abused by a parent, a school neglecting the rape of a student or a man sexually abused in the military are all examples of traumatic betrayals. And, they are all examples of situations in which betrayal blindness can occur as a result of the trauma.

Freyd, who has done research on betrayal traumas and blindness at the UO, stresses the negative effects of betrayals, as well as using betrayal blindness as a coping mechanism.

“Betrayals are toxic,” she said. “Not only can it lead to blindness, it’s harmful to our health, potentially causing PTSD, depression and anxiety. Not enough research has been done on betrayal traumas and its long-term effects, and it’s about time we facilitate that research.”

Fortunately, with the help of close friends, Julie was eventually able to “see” what she had been so blind to before about her husband. And with the help of her friends, she was able to escape her doomed marriage.

“As a society, we need to make sure people know they have choices,” Freyd said. “The cost of betrayal blindness is too great.”