Nowadays, it’s getting harder and harder to find a girl who doesn’t like açai bowls. And you’re no scientist — although Econ is STEM now, you know — but the açai bowl obsession is almost… pathological? You’re not against healthy food per se — you love a good a Tropical Smoothie Cafe smoothie, as long as it’s Lean Machine™, Muscle Blaster™, or Chia Banana Max™ (though, honestly, anything that has a “max” has you sold). You just can’t understand those tiny portions. Four slices of banana and a strawberry — what’s up with that? Anyway, maybe you’re not like other guys, but you’d so much rather have a girl order a cheeseburger than a salad.

So the first date is the best time to scope out whether a girl can meat your expectations, but the New Haven date restaurants — Barcelona, Harvest, Tarry Lodge — don’t really give you proper material for judging. So what better first date than a gourmet feast at yours? Plus, cooking for her will guarantee that she comes out of the date believing you have a warm and loving relationship with your mother.

Be sure to take note of the running protein count, because as we all know, what makes a man isn’t courage or strength — it’s protein, duh.

Drinks: Protein Colada

Because you also call it “making love” and you LOVE getting caught in the rain.

• 1/2 cup coconut yogurt
• 1/2 cup frozen pineapple chunks
• 1/2 cup rum
• 1 scoop vanilla whey protein
• 1 tbsp maple syrup

Blend all ingredients with ice. Pour into nicest glasses you have. Top with one of those cocktail umbrellas and call it a parasol, so she knows you’re not afraid to show your sensitive side.

Protein count: 15.5g per person

Appetizers: Double Porked

Mmm that’s hot. No seriously don’t touch it I just took it out of the oven!

• 5 slices of bacon
• 10 smoked cocktail-size sausages
• 1 tbsp brown sugar
• Toothpicks

Slice each bacon strip in half. Wrap each piece around one sausage, secure with toothpick. Place in foil-lined baking dish. Sprinkle with sugar. Bake at 350°F for 1 hour. Serve.

Protein count: 15.6g per person

First Course: Chorizo, Bone’d

This one goes out to all the boyos. Boyos love chorizo.

• 1 sweet potato
• 1 tsp paprika
• 4 oz chorizo
• 1 cup kale/spinach
• 2 cups bone broth
• 1 tbsp chopped fresh cilantro

Peel and dice sweet potatoes. Lay out on baking sheet, drizzle with olive oil, and sprinkle salt, pepper, and paprika. Massage (It’s good practice!). Roast for 25 minutes at 400°F.

Place large soup pot over medium heat, spray with olive oil and when hot, add chorizo. Stir around for three minutes. Add cooked sweet potatoes and pour broth over. Add spinach or kale and stir until just wilted. Remove from heat, top with fresh cilantro and serve.

Protein count: 25.1g per person

Main Course: My Mama’s [X]

The Main Course is the body of the meal, and you can really highlight this through the protein you choose to serve. Think pork belly, chicken legs, lamb chops, flank steak. I chose ribs, but all are equally macho, except maybe pork belly. Too fatty, not enough muscle. Make sure, however, whatever you choose, that you explain that it’s your mother’s recipe. Talk about how you’d come home from a tough day at practice and your dad would come from a long day of work and the two of you would come straight to the dinner table and there your mother would be, ready with [X], piping hot and just the way you liked it. She was just so good at knowing exactly what you wanted. Deep down, you whisper, you’ve always been a mama’s boy. Hold her gaze for a few seconds before you smile down at your meat and start eating. It’s critical you stare as intensely as possible, because you definitely do not want her to ask you a follow-up question — you can’t let your perfectly cooked cut of meat go cold!

• 1/4 cup soy sauce
• 1/4 cup olive oil
• 1 tbsp balsamic vinegar
• 1 tbsp maple syrup
• 3 garlic cloves, minced
• 1 tbsp fresh rosemary
• 1/2 tbsp black pepper
• 1/4 tsp red pepper flakes
• 1 lb flank steak

Whisk all ingredients except steak and add to ziplock bag. Add steak, shake (closed!) bag and refrigerate for 3 hours or more. When ready, heat grill pan, transfer pieces of meat without marinade to the pan. Grill to desired doneness, but if it’s more than medium-rare (4 minutes per side), you’re not a real man. Let rest for 5 minutes. Slice and serve.

Protein count: 64g per person

Dessert: A Shared Jar of Almond Butter.

What, you thought it was going to be fudge brownies? I mean, it’s advantageous to be soft, but not that soft.

• 16-oz jar of almond butter
• 2 spoons

Protein count: 35g per person

That means the total protein count comes out around 155.2g per person. That’s almost three times the daily protein requirement for the average sedentary man (56 grams). And no, you’re not overcompensating for anything, you swear.

La Protéine Pour Deux was originally published in The Yale Herald on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.