Credit: Watch Atlantis: A Lost Empire on repeat
The absolute best thing to do when your family doesn’t come to Family Weekend is to watch Disney’s masterpiece Atlantis: A Lost Empire on loop until the weekend ends. No matter how many times you watch, you’ll never stop loving Milo, the adorkable, white protagonist who is just waiting to join an expedition of racial and sexual stereotypes in order to find the lost city of Atlantis. While avoiding public spaces full of caring parents, you’ll become increasingly convinced that the sassy, ex-criminal, curvaceous, Latina mechanic is crafted solely to please the racist male gaze! Atlantis allows you to enjoy the nostalgia of childhood (like seeing your parents might have) while getting righteously enraged that the major plot point of the film is Milo mansplaining how to use the advanced technology to the native Atlanteans that THEY INVENTED and then FORGOT HOW TO USE. (You’ll soon realize you don’t really want your parents, whose questionable parenting choices led to your nostalgia for fucked up animated films, to come.) So yeah, watching this film repeatedly may turn you into an American Studies major, but hey, you probably were going to be one anyways because you’re reading the Herald.
D: Start a Family
The next best solution to not having your family this weekend is to start one! There’s no time like the present, especially when it comes to having a family. One of the biggest upsides to starting a family is that you’ll be one step closer to getting on Family Feud! Plus, all Yale performing groups are having babies, so you’ll blend right in. Don’t have a group of 8-14 people to have 2-4 babies with? Weirdly enough, biologically, all you really need is to find one person who’s as lonely as you are! Maybe some improv/a capella double reject kid? Also, fun fact: undergoing live birth definitely gets you a dean’s excuse so that you don’t have to take that pesky midterm! One final tip: as soon as the baby comes out of your or your partner’s or your surrogate’s or your cult’s womb, even if they are only a few hours old, dress them in wacky costumes and make them drink lots of alcohol or maybe do some drugs. That’s the best way to make them feel like part of the family.
Fail: Begin the long, arduous process of applying to be a lighthouse keeper.
This has been on the back of your mind for a while, and it might seem like all this free time on Family Weekend should be used to finally pursue your lifelong dream of guiding ships home in the dark. WRONG! If you really wanted this, you should have started a long time ago (instead of entertaining the thought only at 2am and you are panicking about how to make your life meaningful). You can’t just expect to start now, fall of senior year, and walk into a glorious lighthouse the moment college ends! Face it, you didn’t take enough significant coursework in brine or lamps, nor did you do the two mandatory internships with Amos. If Amos shaved every time a young idealist failed to muster up the gumption to live the life of a keeper, he’d never even get five-o’clock shadow, and definitely wouldn’t have his legendary, three-foot long, salt-soaked, fishhook-tangled beard. Sadly, what all this means is that you’ve got to be a realist and throw away your shipguiding dreams. Teach for America, here you come.