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Valentine’s Day: The holiday itself can go either way, but unfortunately for everyone, the 2010 rom-com Valentine’s Day tastes like dollar store chocolate. In what few would call a “complex puzzle,” Academy Award-winners (Kathy Bates! Jamie Foxx! Julia Roberts!), middling TV stars (Patrick Dempsey! George Lopez!), and a Fearless-era Taylor Swift unite to tell unexpectedly interwoven stories of love, lust, and infidelity. One of these involves Jason (Topher Grace) discovering that his girlfriend Liz (Anne Hathaway) works as a phone sex operator, but it’s okay because he learns to accept her for it. That is the sort of depth this movie achieves, not once or twice but many times over. -JK

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Love Actually: Love Actually is built around the same structure as Valentine’s Day only it’s 100% better and 95% more British (hey, Laura Linney!). Yes, Love Actually takes place during the Christmas season, but does that matter? Aren’t Christmas and Valentine’s Day both winter holidays that inspire love and feature the color red? If you can make it past this issue of timing, you’ll enjoy ten gently-connected, often meaningful love stories, played earnestly at every step. From a genuinely affecting look at a marriage’s rough patch (cheers to the late Alan Rickman) to a guy who moves to the US to meet hot American girls, there’s truly something for everyone. -JK

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The Bachelor as a dating show: Look up the success rate! –LC

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The Bachelor as a comedy: Look up their job descriptions! -JK

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The Lucky One: How does your star couple turn down having sex on the hood of a classic Mustang, and on a boat at night, only to decide on a gross attic? Not a romantic bone in their bodies. Also, the length of this blurb suggests how forgettable it is. I do remember there was a dog. –LC

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Top Gun: Is it strange that whenever I get milk at the dining hall, I glance at the machine’s thermometer and get a little excited when the dial is in the “Danger Zone”? Maybe. But the fact that getting milk brings Top Gun to mind with the chords of “Take My Breath Away” suggests the hold it has over the imagination. Sure, the characters are shallow, but the fast motorcycles, faster planes, and beach volley ball in cut-offs all combine to present a fable celebrating American style and southern California sunshine. -LC

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Love Drunk” by BoysLikeGirls: I didn’t have a pop punk phase. But my older sister did, and she had a car, which meant I had zero DJ privileges on the way to school. This song came up a lot, and while I can’t remember most of the words today, its grating chorus pops into my head from time to time like a ghost with guyliner on a mission to overuse a metaphor. A quick Wikipedia sesh reveals that the song also sounds exactly like The Killers’ “Somebody Told Me,” making it arguably plagiaristic. The worst offense “Love Drunk” commits is being plain boring. In fact, I apologize for unearthing it from its crypt deep in the annals of 2009. Don’t even read this. -JK

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“Drunk in Love” by Beyoncé: 2016 is on track to be the umpteenth coming of Queen Bey, and there’s no better time to look back on Yoncé’s past accomplishments than Valentine’s Day. 2013’s “Drunk in Love” heralded (wait a second…) a new phase in the career of B — one bursting with personality and candid sexuality. She and Jay and whoever produced this masterpiece created a visceral experience. As Bey belts and whispers seemingly off the cuff seductions, it’s impossible to feel nothing. On Valentine’s Day, treat yourself to one of Bey’s finest jams, especially if you yourself are drunk, in love, or both. -JK

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Romeo and Juliet: Communication is key in any relationship, and these two just don’t cut it. Also, Billy Boy, the hyper-sexualization of death is not okay, Freud-be-damned. -LC

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High School Musical: Just like Romeo and Juliet, but with lower stakes and higher reward. And a kickass finale number. -JK

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Titanic: I have never actually watched the whole thing (but who needs to?). One night my freshman year I skipped to the last 15 minutes, and I still cried. My roommate walked in on me. I did not care. The pageantry of the final scene breaks my heart every time. For Valentine’s Day, however, too much tragedy can put a damper on things. -LC

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 “My Heart Will Go On”: I study to this song. Not just the soundtrack version for Titanic: the piano and violin versions are just as good. This summer when I was working on a farm in South Africa, there was a struggle between the farmer and me over the CD player. He wanted Le Miz; I wanted Celine. He would try to switch out the CD when I was out of the room. Guess who won…   -LC