Grindr sits on my iPhone screen immediately adjacent to “Ham Horn,” an app that singularly produces the air horn sound effects you hear in Drake songs. This placement leads to my first main complaint about Grindr: their icons look too similar (a black silhouette on an orange background), and sometimes I accidentally open Grindr when I’m trying to punctuate a moment with an air horn. Grindr makes a terrible air horn. If you’re thinking of downloading an air horn app and you’re thinking of Grindr, look elsewhere.

Grindr has other purposes, though, first and foremost emotional validation and devastation. I first downloaded Grindr as a spectator with no interest in meeting up with anyone. Grindr terrified me, and I imagined that the best case scenario if I used it would be that I was murdered. Still, I was curious. I made myself a profile with no picture, name, or description. Almost immediately, I was inundated with messages and pictures. Tactics varied. Some opened with ‘hey cutie’ or some variation thereof (which, given that I didn’t have a picture, must have been a lucky guess). Other users opened with a neutral ‘hey,’ and, when I didn’t respond, followed up less neutrally with a picture of their dick. One user, named ‘older top here loves to eat ass’ slid into my inbox with the line “older top here….. loves to eat ass.” Brand consistency is crucial.

Emboldened by the knowledge that someone out there was interested in eating my humble little ass, I waded further. I added a photo—a no nonsense mirror selfie—and added “Yale” to my description, hoping to cash in on that sweet, sweet elitist prestige. If the messages were rolling in before, I would have to brace myself for a veritable deluge.

But that’s actually not how it turned out. Instead, the messages stopped. Completely. Not sure if there was a glitch in Grindr, or if the picture of me was somehow less enticing than the infinite possibility of a blank profile. Probably the latter. I went from being Maybe Oscar Isaac But Also Maybe Your Perverted Mom Who’s Trying To Hit On You to being stupid little Charlie. I get the disappointment. I’m nowhere near as interesting as your disgusting and immoral mom. If you’re wondering whether Grindr is right for you, I will say this: Grindr has been a hallmark of gay culture for the better part of a decade, and though it is easy to criticize Grindr for its facilitation of casual sex that many would consider empty and meaningless, fuck that. The Puritans died like a billion years ago, and we don’t have to keep listening to their stupid ideas! If you don’t want to have casual sex, don’t, and let the older tops who love to eat ass eat ass. Live and let eat ass. At the same time, Grindr lays bare some of the worst racism and femme-phobia the gay community has to offer, and it can be a horrible place if you’re not white, fit, and #masc4masc. So use it with caution, unless you want to have your ass eaten by an older man, in which case, godspeed. Happy Valentines.

Beyond Tinder

Fun new dating  apps we bet you haven’t tried yet

1. FarmersOnly.com
2. You and IQ
3. Club Penguin
4. EquestrianCupid.com
5. BikerKiss.com
6. Gluten Free Singles
7. The League
8. TallFriends.com
9. Woad’s
10. Yale Class of 2019 group

In other words

Don’t want to come on too strong? Try some of these playful euphemisms:

1. Boinking
2. Frickle-frackle
3. Sexual congress
4. Carnal embrace
5. Driving Miss Daisy
6. Making the beast with two backs
7. Smooshing
8. ET phones home
9. Knowing in the Biblical sense