everyone is all worked up about Hillary’s private email server. but her fundraising emails reveal some far more sinister truths about her campaign//lifestyle. i will expose her. so now without further ado i present u real screenshots live from my inbox:

10 THINGS HILLARY CLINTON IS ACTUALLY UP TO (according to her fundraising emails)

1) she is about to be audited

2) She is a zygote

3) or perhaps a high-powered coke dealer

4) Desperate grad student you met at a bar…

Then again a few hours later after u didn’t respond to the first email, again with:

5) folksy grandfather vibes

6) Hillz is a fake id dealer in China. ur not ever seeing that id

7) she is a saucy 12-year old who is like “sry bout it”

8) she’s social climber realllllly trying to make this party happen

9) well-meaning froco

10) And, finally, Hil reveals herself to rly be one of those mass email hack scammers pretending to be trapped in Kenya requesting money via Western Union NOW

honestly maybe i’m just salty because she has a hotter social media following than me. maybe i’m jealous of how spontaneously she pulls off emails with no capital letters and poor punctuation.  hillz is calling out for help. and i’m just like

sry