Ok, picture this: fade from black, Steve Zahn is crawling on all fours through the mud, tight closeup on his face, he’s got war paint on and he’s holding a knife in his teeth, rain pouring pouring pouring, he can’t even see, bang, cut to this big ass snake, an anaconda, a garden snake, a rattler, a big juicy boa—whatever, it’s snaking through the mud, ssss, ssss, snaking it’s way through the rain, and now we’re back with Zahn, he’s got that fire in his eyes where you know he’s gonna be eating animal meat tonight, you know he’s chowing down on flesh, he’s got that Zahn look from the end of A Perfect Getaway, or even parts of Sahara where he wasn’t doing just the comic relief, it’s vintage Zahn, like he’s a young man again, like in Daddy Day Care but he’s got this fire in his eyes, and now we’re back with the snake, it’s sticking its tongue out in the rain and the mud, slithering quickly now, gliding through the elements until BAM the knife chops its head off and you see it’s Zahn’s knife, who else! He’s chopped the beast’s head off and he lifts the decapitated snake up and turns his eyes to the camera and goes: “snake eyes—capture the rattler.” It’s a commercial, snake meat jerky. All I can say is you’re gonna want to ride this wave while there’s still a chance to get in on the ground floor. Send me your CV at kohler.bruno@yale.edu.