The koala.

My first AIM screenname was koalagrl1212 and my password for everything since fourth grade has been some version of “koala.” Is it a bad idea to put that on the Internet? Maybe, but if you know me, you probably already know that. I have a collection of stuffed koalas dating back to childhood, and there are 62 of them. I have a dance move—my only dance move—called “the koala hands.” It is cool. Was I the person who stole the koalas from the San Francisco Zoo on December 28, 2000? Maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t. Actually, I was five, but I heard about it on NPR and I started plotting. Little-known fact: I am a koala.

Here are some good facts about the koala. Koalas are not bears. This is a common misconception, and I take great offense at the term “koala bear.” Koalas have opposable thumbs, which is proof that they might take over the world from humans one day. Koalas eat eucalyptus, but they do NOT eat all types of eucalyptus—they are fussy eaters. Koalas are feisty as fuck. You might think they’re just cuddly little creatures, but look up “Koala fight” or “Very angry koala” on Youtube. Think again. Koalas do sleep 18-20 hours a day, which is dope, and the other six hours they mostly spend eating. Baby koalas are the cutest animal on earth, and if you think otherwise I would maybe fight you. Remember: I am a koala. Scared?