I think I’m a pretty spirited person. You probably are too. But with all that Saturday mornings have to offer—sleep, regret, challah French toast, the exhilarating, high stakes game of trying to pet squirrels on Old Campus—let’s be honest, neither of us has made it to many football games this season. It might be too late to be a loyal fan, but there’s still time to convince people that this weekend isn’t your first time in the stands.

When you show up to the tailgate repping #teambulldog—from your Yale beanie to the individually stenciled Y’s on each of your toenails—don’t forget to wear a smile as well. You live for football. Tackles, punts, head trauma, white spandex pants—as far as everyone else needs to know, these are the things that get you out of bed in the morning. Remember how you felt when you achieved a perfect ratio of Reese’s Puffs to Cinnamon Toast Crunch at brunch a few Saturdays ago? This weekend, aim for that blend of fervent pride and zeal when someone asks you if you like football. No, you don’t like football. You freakin’ love it.

If you’ve been more of a tailgate enthusiast than sports buff this season, you’ll need some talking points for the first time you actually make it to kick off. To really sell your fictional attendance at all of this year’s games, it’ll help if you know something intensely personal about each of the athletes. Dig deep and be specific. To your friends’ admiration, you’ll divulge which tight end has been to seven Ashlee Simpson concerts and how that running back is transitioning to a new brand of shampoo. Exactly where does the defensive line stand on the divisive issue of pastels: reserved for spring, or a year-round color palette?

Buzzwords: blitz, holding, flea flicker, red zone, pigskin, gridiron. Use all of these (bonus points if they’re all in one sentence), peppered with intermittent referee haranguing. Also, wave knowingly at the coaches whenever they turn in your general direction. They don’t know you, but they don’t need to. To everyone else, you are best friends. To take it a bold step further, pretend that you were actually on the team yourself for some time, and adopt a limp from “an old gridiron injury.” So sporty.

If disaster strikes and you’re asked to differentiate between an offside and false start call or to name a single player on the team (??), don’t panic. Find an alternative topic; there’s no reason that line of identically dressed young men on a field can’t become a game of Who Wore It Better.

So by the end of the game, no matter which team prevails, while your friends will leave the stadium racked with guilt for their comparably poor attendance this fall, you’ll walk away the day’s real winner.