Dear Katherine,

Three out of five of my roommates use Tinder for hook-ups. It’s only worked for one. Tinder is kinda silly, isn’t it? How impersonal will dating be in the future? How much will we let technology dictate our romantic lives? Is relying on the snap judgments that Tinder employs unhealthy for my psyche? Is it absolutely crazy, or am I absolutely crazy?

Sincerely,

Tindered-out

Dear Tindered-out,

Let me begin with this, Tindered-out: You’re not crazy. Not even a little.

But that’s not to say I think Tinder is, either.

Let me put this out there: I have never used Tinder, but if I were single, I think I would.

I know this, because there’s a part about it that fascinates me. In fact, when I heard how it really worked, and saw my friends use it, I thought it was pretty genius: you can only speak to people who like you back? Well, that really gets through a lot of wondering, doesn’t it? On his part? On her part?

Besides, it’s not like these snap judgements don’t already happen in real life: We do it all the time. When’s the last time you met someone at a party? At a bar? In class? Did you feel attracted to this person immediately, or only after you spoke to them for ten minutes? It’s probably safe to say the attraction was immediate before ebbing and flowing the further you got to know the person. So, what Tinder is capitalizing off of is actually an old-age truth: Consciously or not, we judge. Hard. And quick.

But not all of our judgements are based on physical attractiveness alone. Researchers from Princetown University show that we decide within minutes who that person is — whether or not that person is friendly or mean, extroverted or introverted, trustworthy or a creep. Our judgements may not always be correct, but we judge all the same.

And according to Tinder’s “dating expert,” Jessica Carbino, a researcher who studied dating at University of California, Los Angeles, physical attractiveness is not the only reason we swipe right. We also assess a combination of other factors, like posturing and clothing style, in order to tell us more about who this person is, what this person likes — not just what the person looks like.

So, does technology make dating more impersonal? I don’t think so. Is finding someone in a coffee shop really better than finding someone on Tinder? On OkCupid? On match.com? Our culture sure likes to push that idea — that somehow it’s more pure, more human, to meet someone at Starbucks than online. But, no, I say. It’s not. It’s just another means to the same end.

That’s not to say you need to trudge forth and use the service if you don’t want to. If you still feel uncomfortable with it, that’s okay. But if you do have fun with it and just need just a little push in order to quiet your moral questionings, here it is: Go forth and swipe away.

Yours,

Katherine

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