Last Year, Spring Fling 2014 headliner Diplo instagrammed a picture of his flaccid penis with the caption “Trying to get into the Vatican but not on the guest list.” This sentence upsets me, namely because of the phrase: “Spring Fling 2014 headliner Diplo.” The Spring Fling Committee just sent out their annual survey, and this year, we should demand someone better than the guy who ranked below Lil’ Romeo on Papermag’s top celebrity dick pics of 2013. In fact, we should demand the best, and by the best, I mean feminist icon and late-90s Swedish pop sensation Robyn. Unlike last year’s performers, Robyn is neither irrelevant (Betty Who?), misogynist (Fuck Ja Rule!), nor (to the best of my knowledge) eager to publish pictures of her genitals (Diplo). In fact, she is the opposite of all of those things and more. I guarantee that the “Call Your Girlfriend” music video will make you reconsider both your haircut and the homo-hetero binary as a modern social construct. Robyn is a goddess among women and the Greatest Artist of Our Generation, but she is not yet our Spring Fling 2015 headliner. The campaign starts now #robyn4sf2015.
D: Engagements
I was FB stalking my high school nemesis the other day when I stumbled across an upsetting post: my former AP Spanish partner had gotten engaged to her boyfriend of six months. On the one hand, I was super happy that she and her new fiancé managed to find lifelong love amidst the quagmire that is college hookup culture. But on the other hand, are you fucking kidding me?!? I have yet to commit to a shampoo brand for over six months, let alone another human being for the rest of my living days. This is not a standalone event, either. It seems that everywhere I turn, people are becoming responsible adults who do thing like get married and buy non-Ikea furniture. Just the other day, my camp friend got engaged to a dude despite being in only one profile picture with him. That’s the same number of profile pictures that I have with a random stranger who was in my high school prom band. But whatever, I’m not freaking out or anything. I’ve been in a really committed relationship with “Broad City” and my bed. Maybe there was no proposal, but it feels just as real.
Fail: James Franco sightings
Once, when I was in New York, my cousins and I saw Academy Award winner Anjelica Huston getting out of her car. None of us recognized her except my cousin Kendall, who complimented her on her work in the movie Daddy Day Care. She did not respond. That is the closest I’ve ever been to a real life famous person. So when I heard that James Franco was TA-ing my friend’s Major English Poets section, I found myself overcome with a jealousy that only Beyoncé could articulate. Little did I know, James-as-TA was just the beginning. Lately, my newsfeed has been inundated with selfies with Franco, reports of Franco sightings, and stories of real life Franco interactions. His on-campus presence is so strong that the fact that he has not yet sought me out individually feels like a personal affront. Did my sexual awakening during Tristan and Isolde mean nothing to you, James? Was the fact that I am one of four people worldwide who watched your adaptation of As I Lay Dying completely insignificant? (Well technically, I only watched the trailer and read the Wikipedia summary, but, details). Well, I’m tired of waiting around. I’m the one handing out the grades now. If you wanna turn this Fail into a Credit, you can find me on Instagram @countesschocula.