The rapper 50 Cent ruined my life in 2005. He released the “Candy Shop” video and I never was the same again. I wanted a taste of the fast life and I also really wanted a pink Cadillac Escalade.

Thanks to 50 cent and BET’s Making of the Video show, my innocence was forever lost. I didn’t understand what I was seeing but I knew that when I grew up I would never settle for a boring party.

Remember that scene in The Great Gatsby when he has that amazing, blowout bash at his palatial mansion? We, the chubby Americans, all sat in the theater entranced by what was occurring on the screen. We all had the same thought: “That is one hell of a party. How could I attend something like that?”

After the movie, we all went home depressed because we knew that it was very unlikely that we would ever in our life attend something that fun. This is exactly how I felt after watching 50 Cent’s Making of the Video for “Candy Shop.”

I want you to dig deep into your brains and unearth a memory for me. I want you to remember what the middle school version of you thought would be an ideal party.

Think about when you would sit in front of your home computer and wait for instant messages while listening to Nelly. You more than likely were fantasizing about how you would be spending your nights once you were old enough to get your driver’s license. I’m willing to bet that the memories are probably somewhat horrifying.

At least mine are. My ideal party was a little different than what you would expect from your typical beezy from suburbia. I’d describe it as a subtle mixture between the LA riots and an adult film festival (one that was held somewhere bizarre like a compound in Miami. Not the warm one. The Miami in Ohio.)

I had a vivid fantasy that involved me pulling up to a party in a pleather dress while my Lincoln navigator played Danity Kane’s “Showstopper.” Once I reached eighth grade, the fantasy expanded to include a real perk — a personal bottle of Malibu. Mama, we made it.

My parents are really to blame for all of this. When I was in fourth grade, they blocked MTV. In order to stay up with my peers and their excessive knowledge of pop culture, I was forced to turn to extremes. I became a voracious consumer of BET and VH1. I watched programs like Making of the Video and Flavor of Love.

A particular favorite I had at the time was the Blind Date show. Essentially, those programs turned me into a tool, helped create a false sense of reality. It eventually would lead me to disappointment later in life.

But I didn’t notice. I was too consumed with the idea that these people were having a blast. Their actions were bizarre but they loved life. It was intoxicating.

I began to gather valuable life knowledge. For instance, you guys have no idea how many everyday uses baby oil has. It’s actually a valuable tool for any independent sexy woman. I also learned how easily hot tubs could be converted into the site of a roman orgy. Up until then, my experience with hot tubs was strictly when my sister and I snuck into the one at the Y.

But the most important lesson that I took away was to never settle for normal. If it isn’t bizarre or extravagant, is it really worth the hangover?

All of the rappers were having fun. I wanted in. I wanted to be a player that drank champagne while wearing bedazzled Juicy sweat suits.

The moral of the story is simple. Think about what your ideal is and try to make it happen.

Also please stop throwing really shitty parties. Don’t settle for hamburgers when you have a craving for champagne.

Fellow students, now is the time to throw bubbly bashes. Even when we grow up and are able to buy the good stuff (anything but Burnett’s), our parties will never be as crazy as they have the potential to be now.

One day, I will receive an invitation to a 50 Cent party, but until then I’ll be in my bed on the weekends, sipping chardonnay in my Juicy suit. Until then, keep it bizarre and extravagant, my fellow Ducks.