With all of the recent media buzz surrounding his recent obnoxious grandstanding, does Ted Cruz remind of you of someone…? Oh yeah! He’s that conservative section asshole kid who both loves to dress like he’s about to go hit up the back nine, and to hear the sound of his own nasally voice. But this all sort of makes sense when you consider that once upon a time, Cruz was the head of Princeton’s debate team. While the guy likes to sell himself as a representative of “Real America,” in a lot of ways, he’s actually as Ivy League as they come. Cruz could have been in your residential college, or the kid you roll your eyes at in section.

If Ted Cruz had gone to Yale…

He would have taken advantage of the services offered at UCS.
He would have absolutely, positively been a section asshole.
He would not have won the DS award, but would have told his friends that it was due to professors’ liberal bias.
He would have been a leader on the Paul Chandler campaign.
He would have been seriously involved in the Yale Political Union.
He would have been the Chairman of the Party of the Right of the YPU… and would have only responded to e-mails addressed “Dear Mr. Chairman of the Party of the Right.”
He would have majored in EP&E.
He would have told everyone he was majoring in EP&E.
He would have applied for Grand Strategy.
He would have used the term “minor Ivies.”
He would have read Was Karl Marx a Satanist?
He would have fangirl-ed Nathan Harden
He would have told everyone that he was an EP&E major.
He would have been a regular commentator on liberal YDN Op-Eds.
He would have posted a ton in his class Facebook group before college.
He would have written obnoxiously conservative critiques of student culture in the YDN.
He would have used a messenger bag, not a backpack.
He would have lived for “cups” at Morys.
He would have just lived for Morys.
He would have sometimes worn clothes that made it clear that he shops at J Press.
He would have occasionally got really drunk in a way that challenged pre-conceived notions of him.
He would have told people during his freshman year that he was going to be president some day.
He would have asked questions in lecture at times when it’s frankly inappropriate to ask questions.
He would have stayed after class, every time, without fail, to talk to his teachers about his “outside reading.”
He would have been on first name basis with at least one College admin.
He would have sat near the front in everything.
He would have had token liberal friends who he would have bragged about smoking weed with to his severely not liberal friends.
He would have a little bit of sincere yet unearned resentment towards his rival residential college.
He would have probably not been in Davenport, but would have wished he was.
He would have sometimes wondered aloud about which kids he knew were at Yale as a result of affirmative action.