Derrick Rossignol

Editor in Chief

Bob Marley, “

Derrick Rossignol

Maine’s king of comedy,” made his way up to the Collins Center for the Arts on Friday for his annual visit to campus, once again performing to an excited crowd.

The Bangor-born comic has appeared on various late night television programs and even holds the world record for longest continuous standup comedy routine. He opened his set by saying how tired he is of all the “nice weather talk” he’s been hearing and the outdoor activities is inspires.

“My wife’s like, ‘Do you want to go apple picking today?’ ‘I do, but first I want to go out and slam my head in the car door,’” Marley said. “What am I, an immigrated worker? I’m not risking my life and limb for a Macintosh. I could go to Shaw’s and get one for $1.99, a whole bag. They’ll give them to me [and] I got a cart and everything, nice and safe.

“The funniest thing is the apple orchard has a sign that says ‘We’re open 9 to 5.’ Really? You’re gonna move the trees inside, bub? You’re open all night, really, you dink,” he continued.

Marley also spoke on how strange he thinks old people are, saying that they “love illness” and talking about it.

“‘Oh God, did you hear about Phyllis?’ ‘No, what’s the matter with her?’ ‘Hospital. They put a stint in her vagina. I guess they had a hard time getting it in, I don’t know. Needed to get a running start or something,’” he said, mocking a conversation between he and his mother.

According to Marley, “the only thing they love better than illness is death.” He also talked about their difficulties in explaining how distant relatives are related to him.

“‘You know Donald, right? Aunt Theresa’s cousin Margaret has a sister, Beverly, and her grandmother Delores had a brother, Carl, and he had a brother […] He knew Donald. They were in the Air Force Rangers together,’” Marley said.

Marley, a known Boston sports fan, talked about the Boston Bruins starting their season recently and the environment inside the TD Garden, the venue where the team plays their home games.

“I don’t know if you’ve ever been to the last row of the Garden, but that is [sung] ‘a whole new world,’” Marley said. “Rows 0 to 15, the guys in alligator sweaters [are] talking about traveling back down to the cape. ‘I hope it’s not back from Ducksbury.’ Rows 15 to 40, it’s all middle class people with their kids: ‘You’re going to get a souvenir tonight, Jimmy. Aha! We’re making memories, that’s what we’re doing.’

“By the time I get with my kids to the last row of the Garden, it was like the bar in ‘Star Wars,’” Marley said, mimicking the music from that scene of the movie. “There are guys peeing on each other, somebody having a baby. Bill Buckner’s sitting with us; you know, s—– seats.”

Although he likes the restaurant, Marley said the only thing he doesn’t like about Dunkin Donuts are the constant additions to their menu.

“I am not going to have dinner with you, Dunkin,” Marley said. “You’re doing a great job, but shut it down at noon.

“They’re relentless about those items […] ‘Fresh frittata, Coolatta, Dunkin Hunkin Bunkin Tater Tot,’” Marley said, mimicking a drive-thru worker.

“‘I want you to take the s— from the pot, Dunkin. Put it in the cup, you silly bastard,’”

Opening for Marley was Krazy Jake, the comedian who performed before Marley at last year’s CCA performance and is currently filming a reality show for Animal Planet.