“My boyfriend says there’s something wrong with me because I can’t orgasm, and either you have to fix me, or he’s going to break up with me.”
In tears, this young girl confided in Heaven-Leigh Carey, a former employee at Castle Megastore, a local sex shop.
“I was still pretty new at my job, but I was filled with such anger. I told her, ‘Listen, if you want me to, I can help you find something that might help you orgasm, if that’s what you really want. But it sounds like the issue is your boyfriend,’” said Carey, a senior who’s been involved with UO’s Sexual Wellness Advocacy Team for more than three years. This was only one among many of the troubling stories she shared about her experience working at Castle.
No thanks to the media’s exaggerated portrayals of college life, freshmen come here with the expectation that their next four years will consist of shot-gunning beers for breakfast, epic parties with half-naked girls twerking and making out and all the blurry one-night-stands you could hope for. This disgustingly glamorized view of college is sucking out the curiosity and passion that once characterized young adulthood. If you think you’re going to get the ultimate toe-clenching, multiple-orgasm sexual experience from a drunken hookup, you’re a dumbass.
Just as you can’t help but believe this dramatized depiction of a college lifestyle, you can’t help but expect the stereotypes as well. The horny, testosterone-overdosed, football-playing womanizer and the “white girl wasted” sorority tease are just a couple of sexually stunting roles that college students have been known to take on, simply because it’s ingrained in their minds that that’s how they’re supposed to act.
“The guys in Greek life are seen as drunks who don’t like to go to class and abuse underclassmen,” said Julia Cameron, a junior and former sorority member at Oregon State University. “The girls are seen as sluts who will sleep with anyone who tells them that they are pretty, and all of this, for the most part, isn’t true.”
“Sexual assault occurs” and is often shrugged off as a “harmless drunken shenanigan,” an Oregon fraternity member who spoke on the condition of anonymity because of his fraternity involvement, said.
As you can see, it’s a touchy topic that most students would rather avoid. Nonetheless, the consequences of this behavior are inevitable if it continues. If these stereotypes didn’t exist, would college rape culture be a thing? Religious beliefs aside, would the social negativity surrounding pre-marital sex even exist?
Too many young adults don’t realize how much these labels are hurting our self-esteem and overall happiness. You shouldn’t be called a “prude” for wanting to take things slow, just as much as you shouldn’t be slut-shamed for wanting to experiment. This sexual negativity is detrimental to everyone. Stop calling each other names and put the negativity aside for once. Sexual experimentation can be liberating as long as you’re communicative and respectful of yourself and your partner.
“Feeling safe discussing what one is and isn’t comfortable with, and what they do and don’t want to try, is so crucial. I think that if people really worked to develop their communication skills, they would absolutely see an improvement in their sex life,” said Megan Matthews, an Oregon alumn who recently worked for the office of the dean of students providing support to student survivors of sexual assault and harassment.
So, how can we make that happen? Carey, the former Castle Megastore employee, says the future is in the hands of our youth.
“Disregard probably everything you’ve been taught from society about sex,” she said. “It doesn’t matter what you were wearing, or if you had been drinking, or if you are male-identified, or if you are dating that person; no one has the right to make you do anything you don’t want to. I think sexual experimentation is fantastic and encourage everyone who is willing to do it.”
The first step to achieving hot, orgasmic, mind-blowing sex? Be more positive and accepting of each other and yourself. Monogamy is okay, abstinence is okay and experimentation is okay. And if you don’t know what you like, this is the perfect time to find out.
Masturbate. Watch some weird porn. Have sex in the kitchen. Do it in your annoying roommate’s bed. Light some candles and “get it on” to Marvin Gaye if you want.
Have fun, but be safe. It’s okay!