How bad do you want that new gold iPhone, right? Damn, it’s so, so tight. The absolute tightness. It’s like the champagne of iPhones, the truest expression of Steve Jobs’s dream that Apple one day be the industry leader in Trinidad James music video accoutrements (I didn’t see the Ashton Kutcher movie to be honest).

If you’re walking down the street with a gold iPhone you know you made it. You’re somebody, anyone from a coke dealer to a coke dealer’s bodyguard. Or  just a really classy weed dealer.

Anyway, I’ve been tweaking so hard for that new gold product and I was wondering if other people were too. Yep, they were. The only thing classier than a gold iPhone is a gold iPhone that cost as much as a ten thousand $1 Rolex watches.

I started googling gold iPhones and found this apparently real-life website, which really was a godsend. I’ve only been able to fit 199 grams of gold on my stupid dumb old iPhone 4S, but for just $77,000 I can get the Solid Gold Superstar iPhone with its 200 grams of 18 carat gold. Where do I sign?

In all seriousness, though, the gold iPhone is really pretty tight.