Professor: “Give me the name of someone who is a female singer and sings really high.”

Two guys, simultaneously: “Justin Bieber?”

—Unknown

Girl 1: “My sister will visit me after the finals, and I don’t even know where to take her!”

Girl 2: “That’s crazy. You’ve been in Minneapolis for almost a year.”

Girl 1: “I don’t even know where that apple on the spoon is.”

—The Purple Onion Café

Student 1: “Next time I’m going to lace my chips with mariju–”

Student 2: “That’s something Regina George would do in an alternate universe”

—Middlebrook Hall

Guy: “If I went home this weekend and did not study for my finals, can I use the excuse that I was celebrating Mother’s day? Do you think he’ll let me off the hook?”

Girl: “Um, how about no.”

Guy: “I really do love my mom.”

—St. Paul Student Center

“You just don’t have sex with your sister.”

—Middlebrook Hall

Guy 1: “I want to study at home, but I know I’ll get nothing done.

Guy 2: “Yeah, I won’t get much done either. But I don’t have to wear pants, so I am definitely going home.”

—Akerman Hall

Professor: “Right now, I’m shooting lots of radiation at you. It’s fine, you’re young.”

—Tate Laboratory of Physics

Girl: “We’ll discuss this when we’re sober.”

Guy: “I don’t want to [expletive] talk to you when we’re sober!”

—Tate Laboratory of Physics

Person 1: “Why do they have celery with buffalo wings?”

Person 2: “So you don’t feel so much of a fat-ass.”

—Pioneer Hall

“Is it just me, or do you feel as if the basis of all of your happiness revolves around alcohol and drugs?”

—Coffman Union

“Was Beyoncé a Cheetah Girl?”

—Coffman Union