Saint Louis University’s 2013 commencement ceremony will be held just 16 days from today, and still the commencement speaker remains a mystery. There are a few theories going around campus as to why this might be the case. One holds that graduating students might be underwhelmed by the choice of speaker, and so the current silence is a delaying action to prevent a full-blown Billiken rebellion. On the other hand, it could be that the speaker will be someone awesome, and that the administration is building anticipation for the crescendo of this class’ undergraduate career. Still others point out that, historically, SLU hasn’t announced the speaker until closer to commencement. In any case, the editorial board of The University News is holding out hope that the speaker will be someone from the following illustrious list:

Ryan Lochte – Hey, at least the speech would be short. There’s no way he could come up with enough material for even a 10-minute speech. Moreover, the ceremony is at 9 a.m., so we need a speaker who’s a man in the morning.

Joe Buck – Nothing says St. Louis like the velvety voice of this sports commentary icon. Buck’s voice is like gooey butter cake. With provel cheese on top. Served with a Ted Drewes’ concrete on the side. Hopefully SLU can score him to be the speaker.

Pope Francis – After Fr. James Martin, S.J., gave last year’s speech, it would be fitting to continue the tradition of bringing in famous Jesuits. And who’s more famous than the Vicar of Christ? On Holy Thursday, Francis visited a detention center in Rome to wash the feet of 12 young offenders; surely SLU can offer superior accommodations.

The specter of Barack Obama in a chair, accompanied by Clint Eastwood – After senior week celebrations, the new graduates will likely be a bit tired during commencement. The speaker may feel like he or she is addressing a room full of empty chairs. Mr. Eastwood has relevant experience for this situation.

Manti Te’o’s girlfriend – Speaking of invisible commencement guests, Lennay Kekua seems like a solid choice. It takes real rhetorical skill to convince someone that you exist when, in fact, you do not. SLU students, prepare to fall in love.

Kim Jong-un – The supreme leader of North Korea and the world’s youngest head of state would certainly give an interesting speech. Maybe he can offer some advice on transitioning leadership after the departure of an entrenched dictator. Better check his bags when he comes through customs, though.

So, if one of those six shows up on stage to give our graduation oration, you heard it here first. And if you’re not happy with whoever winds up winding up your college listening career, remember, you can always just assume it’s actually Daniel Day-Lewis in character. Congrats, graduates!