There are just a few measly hours before Tap Night 2013. For those of you have been tapped for a Secret Society, tonight is the end of something. It is the end of a life consumed by pedestrian thoughts and plebeian cares. Tonight we will transcend the physical world of York and Broadway, and join the spirits of the white men that came before us.

In the meantime, many of you are running around trying to find Kermit the Frog costumes (J.Crew sells green pants). But not me! I’m prepping. I’m a prepper. I’ve been holed up in my apartment all day getting together canned goods, bottles of water, and disposable light sources. Flipping between the Military Channel and A&E has got my thumbs tired, but do not fret. I have learned how to fashion a sword out of tree bark with just my feet! I write this on a nervous stomach. Let’s all go out in style. This is how I’ve prepped for this secret apocalypse:

1. Hydrate. But don’t be bloated (see number 2).

2. Get a bikini wax.

3. Eat bagels for every meal. But don’t be bloated (see number 2).

4. Watch American Illuminati Skull and Bones documentaries. 

5. Say goodbye to your current friends.

6. Get a GroupMe account or buy an iPhone. 

7. Rearrange your Friday, April 12th so that nothing happens before 4pm. 

8. Buy hair ties. You don’t wanna be that girl tonight whose hair keeps getting in the way of having fun!

9. Watch your last episode of 60 Minutes, cuz societies meet during it, stupid.

10. Moisturize.