Former president George W. Bush recently told the Chicago Tribune that his greatest accomplishment during his presidency was “keeping the country safe amidst real danger.”

And the man has a point.

Besides the attacks in 2001, which was no doubt the fault of some jerk who decided to warn the president of impending doom via a memo (how impersonal. Ever heard of a little thing called a conversation? geez), the country did remain sort of, in a roundabout way, safe, we guess. …kind of.

The few tragedies that did occur during Bush’s presidency were not his fault. He really had nothing to do with it.

There was Katrina, which of course was the name of the busty carhop waitress who was killed in a tragic wine-tasting accident. And then there was Bush’s abandonment of the Kyoto Protocol, the name of a speed-polka band from Detroit, who the president left on the side of an icy road in mid-December.

Obviously, these were all minor threats to society.

The former president also named not privatizing Social Security as his biggest failure.

I think we agree with you on this one. If we had put Social Security in the hands of the banks, our elder population would be feeling as happy as a 5-year-old beauty pageant contestant is botoxed to look.

Those kids are dead inside.

Yeah, a lot of retirees might have lost even more money when the banks went belly-up in 2008, but there’s nothing like an insurmountable adversity to get those varicose veins pumping with motivation and enthusiasm.

By saying that he kept the country safe, he might as well have said that he’s proud to have chosen the best excuse for invading Iraq.

These insights from the former president remind us of why we loved the guy in the first place.

He was like that kid who crashed on your couch one night and then didn’t move out for eight years. Yeah, he stunk up the place, made all your friends hate you and peed on your cat when he was drunk, but he still made you laugh.

Even when you were cleaning up his puke.