Today we are going to talk about the art of checking out. There are a lot of different possible meanings for this phrase, but the one we are interested in is “checking out” as in, “I am going to the register to check out.”

See checking out of a store is not as easy as one would think. First off, you have to choose which line to go in. There are many things to consider when making your decision. How many people are in line ahead of me? How many groceries are they buying? Do they have a small child shrieking at decibels normally reserved for experimental riot control devices?

But one question truly trumps all others. Is the cashier attractive? If so, get out of that line.

I say this because at any shopping venue there is the terrible risk of That-Guy-Who-Makes-Creepy-Romantic-Advances-On-the-Retail-Staff (TGWMCRAOTRS for short).

See, while most people want to check out in the traditional use of the phrase, and check out of the store and go home, there are those who want to check out while they check out, as in “I am going to check out the cashier while I check out,” or “I think the security guard was checking me out as I was checking out the cashier as I was checking out,” or “check this out, I’m no longer allowed into Target.”

Anyway, the problem is That-Guy-Who-Makes-Creepy-Romantic-Advances-On-the-Retail-Staff is so creepy that he actually warps the space-time continuum around himself. What would normally take a mere 2 minutes to ring up will somehow turn into 15 minutes of awkwardly complimenting the cashier on their bar-code scanning abilities while the people waiting in line behind him strangle themselves with the dental floss they came to purchase so they don’t have to listen anymore.

How can you avoid strangling yourself with dental floss in a suicidal rage? Easy, buy those little floss picker thingies instead, the worst you can do with those is poke your eyes out. But more importantly, how can you avoid being stuck behind a TGWMCRAOTRS? Well, there are a couple of easy identifiers. Keep an ear out for dead giveaways in conversation, like this:

Cashier: Hi!

TGWMCRAOTRS: Hi, Cindy! I was staring at your chest, Cindy, and then I saw that there was a name-tag on it, and your name was Cindy. So now I’m going to attach your name to everything I say, Cindy. Like, 746 times in a sentence.

Cashier: Did you find everything all right while you were shopping, sir?

TGWMCRAOTRS: Well Cindy, I thought I had everything I wanted, but then I saw you.
Heaven help you if That-Guy-Who-Makes-Creepy-Romantic-Advances-On-the-Retail-Staff turns out to be That-Senior-Citizen-Who-Makes-Creepy-Romantic-Advances-On-the-Retail-Staff. As the male body ages, the Y chromosome remains strong, while other key areas of the body, such as the brain, slowly wither into the equivalent of that piece jerky that got dropped under the driver’s seat and that you later found while vacuuming the car and chipped a front tooth trying to eat. This means that while the Y chromosome is sending the same signals to the brain that it did 50 years ago, the brain does not respond with the speed that it used to.

So while in his prime TGWMCRAOTRS will receive the message “she has boobs” from his Y chromosome and his brain immediately translates it into some disturbing compliment like

“I wish I could make my uniform look that good,” the senior citizen version takes considerably longer to say something considerably less coherent.

“Hello young lady whose name I have forgotten but my Y chromosome still instructs me to attach to everything I say…you sure can…type fast…I wish I could type as fast as you…I was telling the person at the place that I want to type but…Maybe you could teach me sometime after I finish buying all this rope and duct-tape…”

And if you think you can avoid this by heading over to the self-checkouts, think again. I swear the last time I was at H.E.B., some drunk guy was making lewd comments at the automated checkout’s female robot voice.

“Well, Self-Checkout, I was staring at the chest of the poorly animated 3-D lady in the tutorial video, and I saw that your name was Self-checkout, so now I’m going to attach it to everything I say…”