The shoelaces are tied, the shirt is buttoned up, and the credit card is in the back pocket when suddenly your cellphone sounds a loud BING. It’s a paragraph long message from the person you were supposed to meet that day explaining why he or she has to cancel last minute. The note is heartfelt and the word “sorry” is listed at least twice. An excuse is given as to why your plans have to be rescheduled, which is followed by a meaningful intention about hanging out as soon as possible.
A friend or possibly even a stranger said, “Hey, no offense but…”, and told you something almost insulting, but it shouldn’t be because he or she told you it’s not meant to upset you. Laughs are exchanged and the world continues to spin.
You ask a friend to grab an item from the store or at home. He or she amiably promises to retrieve the item and bring it to you at your next meeting. Upon arriving, a look of horror passes over their face as they realize the item was forgotten. They tell you that they forgot to write a reminder to themselves and lost track of time.
In each of these cases you are left with a choice. You can tell them how you feel or you can sugarcoat the truth. People frequently choose the latter. Why is it so difficult for humankind to be honest about when they feel let down?
In his article, psychologist Hank David states, “But the question remains why this passivity is so widespread. One benefit it provides is that everybody gets to save face and, most of all, everyone is saved from the dreaded ‘C word’ – conflict.” David is discussing the conundrum of never saying “no”, but the concept is the same. No person wants to give somebody an excuse to be angry or miffed by him or her. People don’t want others to think ill of them nor do they wish to hurt another’s feelings.
It’s not easy to tell a friend how you really feel when it might briefly cause offense. Then again, the right decisions are usually the hardest choices to make. When you choose to say, “that’s okay” or “no worries”, you are hurting yourself and the other individual because nothing helpful is occurring.
On the perspective of the person who forgot the item or flaked last minute, we’ve all been there. I know I have, and sometimes my excuses were legitimate, as has been the case for many others. Nothing in life has or ever will be solidified. It is far too unpredictable. However, a majority of explanations also occur because things are easier said than done.
In her article on Psychology Today, psychologist Andrea Bonior says, “Perhaps you have a bona fide conflict (or a bona fide stomach bug). But all too often, we’re just distracted, apathetic, or tired, and looking for excuses to legitimize our laziness.”
Some excuses are real or caused by personal struggles. Others are given because it’s easier to remove yourself from the commitment. The saying, “no offense”, is thrown around like sand in the wind because it’s supposed to make the next phrase less agonizing to hear, and the receiver will probably laugh it off.
Confronting a friend about how you truly feel is difficult and frightening. In Forbes, Dr. Bill Dyment advises people to approach a flaky friend or offensive comment with kindness and specific examples. Show your acquaintance how what they did is affecting your friendship, but also demonstrate a willingness to listen to their reasoning. It is a two-way street. Calling them out in public or blatantly saying that they’re wrong will force them on the defensive and put both of you in awkward positions.
Conflict is natural and can help people grow and learn when used in the right situations. Don’t avoid it because you are afraid of what other people think. Stand up for yourself, and help your friend understand how you can both move forward together.