By: Spencer Doar

What: Efterklang           

When: 7:30 p.m., Monday

Where: Cedar Cultural Center, 416 S. Cedar Ave., Minneapolis.

Cost: $15

Approximately 600 miles from the North Pole lies the island of Spitsbergen. An abandoned Russian mining facility is on the island and remains  a ghost town.

The Danish indie-rock trio Efterklang traveled to this barren tundra in  summer  2011 to work on their album “Piramida.”

“Our idea was to see if we could put more focus on the electronic element of our band,” bassist Rasmus Stolberg said. “We wanted to see if we could collect a specific location.”

They accomplished this through extensive field recordings. The northernmost grand piano in existence, empty oil drums and the buildings of this mining facility were fodder for what turned out to be more than 1,000 recordings.

The presence of these samples is not obvious in “Piramida” though, despite riddling the album.

Efterklang cut them down, splicing and chopping them into percussive elements and melodic arrangements — becoming almost unintelligible unless you listen closely for it. Their initial form gets enveloped in swells like the windswept landscape of Spitsbergen, leaving the lasting impression of impermanence.

“There was a sense of a dream of the people who used to live there,” vocalist and multi-instrumentalist Casper Clausen said.

The haunting effect of being in this severe environment, rather than their Berlin studio, is the thematic structure for the whole of “Piramida.”

“It was the first time for me in the wilderness, so it was extraordinary to be in a place where nature is superior,” Clausen said. “Because of the risk of polar bears, we hired a Russian guard to protect us. It took a while to not be paranoid all of the time.”

The melancholy vocals are propelled by powerful percussion and riveting riffs derived from recordings such as the aforementioned grand piano.

“The biggest influence it played on me is the thoughts you have — you’re totally detached, no cellphones,” Stolberg said. “About halfway through I was like ‘What the [expletive] are we doing,’ spending all of our savings. But suddenly it made a lot of sense.”

That journey was an awe-inspiring experience for Efterklang — wandering around in survival suits deep in the Arctic Circle amongst the remains of mankind, battling the paranoia of hungry polar bears.

“You realize how insignificant mankind is in terms of the age of the earth, how young our species is,” Stolberg said. “It reminded me of being in the Redwoods, changing your perspective on yourself.”

While touring the world in support of “Piramida,” Efterklang performs as a sextet. But they’re used to different arrangements as they have previously performed in a series of concerts with the Sydney Symphony Orchestra.

It all makes sense for this group of varying interests: Efterklang is Danish for reverberation.

By: Shannon Ryan

Album: Mala

Artist: Devendra Banhart

Release date: March 12

Record label: Nonesuch

Nonesuch Records released “Mala,” Devendra Banhart’s latest full-length album, Tuesday after a three-year hiatus. The artist paused his musical career in favor of pursuing his interest as a visual artist; this stunt audibly affected the album.

Banhart first surfaced in the music scene as an artist making a connection between psych and folk, birthing a hybrid.

Though odder than most of his peers, Banhart once seemed unlikely to emerge as one of the most inventive and consistently inconsistent multi-instrumentalists in the industry, but it was when his music sought moodier and less-tethered-to trends or already niche genres that his creative output piled up. With the addition of “Mala,” his catalog consists of eight full-length albums of strummy folk-pop, hushed lullabies and eerie acoustic songs.

“Mala” seems half-hearted; a strange disinterest is audible in Banhart’s tracks, which is puzzling and unlikely. Former albums such as “Cripple Crow” and “Niño Rojo” act as homage to the artist’s inherent quirkiness through espousing punchy, offbeat tracks, but “Mala” falls short of this attempt. Its tracks are short, rhythmically nonsensical and lyrically absent of identifiable emotion.

The track “Daniel” sounds like it should be playing in a film with a brokenhearted   protagonist walking alone through European cobble streets — a Millennial take on Hugh Grant’s character in “Notting Hill,” perhaps. And this suitable-for-soundtrack theme is a recurrence in other tracks.

Taking a similar tack as its preceding track, “Mala” repeats the words “get on the dance floor,” but these words are not an invitation. They are more didactic than suggestive, sermonizing rather than provocative. And it sounds like commentary to a poorly produced ’90s film.

“Won’t You Come Over” was the  catchiest  song on the album, with its lyrics, “won’t you come over and love me,” smoothly tracking upon small guitar intricacies that are playful and welcoming. It’s redolent of what’s already been done, which isn’t necessarily to its fault, though should be noted.

In the track “Never Seen Such Good Things,” Banhart strikes a familiar emotional note that is more catchy than sad, sounding like a lovely ode to a past beau. It serves its purpose as a romantically identifiable number on the album.

Ultimately, the tracks off of “Mala” sound more suitable as non-diegetic film sounds, needing only 30 seconds to absorb the song’s message, rather than playlist additions or starred as “repeat offenders.” The album sought invention but rendered a have-done.

Rating: 3 stars

By: Shannon Ryan

Taking a stroll down memory lane this week, we rewind back to September  2012, when the elitists of the fashion industry unveiled their ideas for what spring wardrobes should look like.

Sifting through the images of layered fabric, obtuse prints and fine-lipped models that littered the catwalk during the spring/summer 2013 fashion weeks, it was notable that the designers’ inspirations were just as varied as the 100-plus collections that were shown, from photographer Helmut Newton to Japanese designer Hanae Mori and Mother Nature herself.

A few common themes recurred among the collections, birthing the trends of the upcoming season. Ditch the routine bubblegum and pastel palette of spring in favor of a more refined and femme moderne aesthetic.

Bold stripes

Whether they were horizontal or vertical, thick or thin, stripes made a bold statement on the catwalks of Tommy Hilfiger, Marc Jacobs, Oscar de la Renta and numerous others. The geometric pattern paraded the runway in the form of knit sweaters, cotton Bermuda shorts and blazers, to note a few, each form allowing an inventive vibe for the wearer. With navy horizontal, they are nautical-nice; with printed denim, they are all-American familiar; and with head-to-toe coverage, they are statement worthy. This trend is accessible and a pleasant recycle from previous seasons, perhaps a lovely surprise already housed in your closet.

Black and white mixtures

In previous spring/summer collections, oversize florals and pretty paisleys composed the majority of print and color palettes, but this year designers delighted eyes with a juxtaposing mixture of black and white to dominate this season’s palette.

From mild mixtures at Jason Wu to head-to-toe contrast at Alexander Wang and geometric-print-palette opposites at Marc Jacobs, designers proved unexpected color pairings can live in perfect garment harmony during the springtime. This is a combination easily discoverable within your current wardrobe, making it one of the most wearable trends of the season.

Bermuda shorts

The fam-friendly Bermuda short adds length, slouch and insouciance, making it the premiere short of the season. In lieu of last season’s Instagram favorite cheek-baring denim cutoffs, these ultra cool-girl shorts covered the New York runways, making appearances on Peter Som, Rag and Bone and DKNY. This is an office-appropriate trend and a delightful opposition to last season’s derriere exposure. Pair with a crisp collared shirt for an androgynous vibe, a cropped tank for midriff play or an unopened blazer for a sophisticated modern summer suit edge.

Other major trends to note before finalizing your shopping list are unexpected cutouts notable at DVF and Cushnie et Ochs; sheer sleeves and dashes seen at Nicole Miller and Jill Stuart; sporty A-line dresses prominent in Victoria Beckham and Rag and Bone’s collections; and intricate beading as seen on the runways of Joseph Altuzarra and Oscar de la Renta.

The forecast for spring looks to be a comfortable and sharp one.

By: Shannon Ryan

Wherever your plane ticket reads or your Dodge Neon drives, sunshine and bliss is just shy of two weeks away. And that requires new sunscreen — UV ray protection is sexy — and new swimsuits.

Leading fashion retailers unveil hundreds of new looks each year, rendering the same three styles in a plethora of shapes, colors and cuts. Perhaps you skimped on new bikinis last season and are itching for something current, or maybe you’re too scared to dare to wear sexy cutouts; this quiz will guide you in the right suit direction.

Question 1:

What type of underwear are you most prone to slipping into?

A. Thong

B. Cheekies

C. Hip huggers

Question 2:

If going on a spring break vacation, where would you choose?

A. Panama City Beach

B. Cabo San Lucas

C. Sanibel Island

Question 3:

When participating in a formal event, which type of dress would you purchase?

A. Body-con

B. Maxi dress

C. A-line frock

Question 4:

Which celebrity do you most identify with?

A. Zooey Deschanel

B. Kristen Bell

C. Salma Hayek

Question 5:

Which store is your go-to for new swimsuits?

A. Target

B. Urban Outfitters

C. Victoria’s Secret

Question 6:

What kind of flower are you most drawn to?

A. Orchid

B. Daisy

C. Rose

Key:

1. A. 3; B. 2; C. 1
2. A. 2; B. 3; C. 1
3. A. 1; B. 2; C. 0
4. A. 2; B. 1; C. 3
5. A. 2; B. 1; C. 2
6. A. 2; B. 1; C. 1

7 points and below: Retro, high-waist bikini

Vintage-inspired swimwear is divine and has made a strong statement in beachwear over the past couple of seasons. Holding the chest and stomach in place with the reminiscence of a pinup perfection, going retro is still a feminine alternative to the traditional bikini, but it plays with a comforting insouciance for flair.

If trying high-waist for the first time, go with a solid color for less distraction. Prints draw more attention to the body. If craving the spotlight, go with a pretty paisley; solid black is a solid option for the wallflowers.

8-11 points: String bikini

You really can’t beat the attraction of a skimpy bikini, especially in the right shade or shade pairings. Simple and classic triangle tops with barely-there coverage are a swim-wardrobe necessity and spring break staple.

Mint green and sharp tangerines are bold and ostentatious colors to try this season, both pairing well with a fine tan. Steer clear of whites without padding; otherwise a quick dip will issue you a ticket for indecent exposure on the family friendly beach.

12 points and above: Monokini

Nothing says va-va-voom like a well-fit monokini among a sea of bikinis. It’s an inherent juxtaposition: more coverage issues more sex appeal. The deep V neckline and intricate details are coy and ideal for those seeking more ogling stares than sunshine.

When wearing a one-piece, going with a print can either be too matronly or oppositely childish. Solid colors speak more volumes in this case, and dark is always more alluring. A classic navy or a deep burgundy looks romantic and beautiful in the sunlight.

By: Spencer Doar

What:  David Bowie’s, “The Next Day”           

When: Now available, official release date Mar. 12

Where: Streaming on iTunes

Bowie is back with a vengeance.  Well not so much vengeance, as the Thin White Duke doesn’t have a reason to have a chip on his shoulder, but he definitely stormed the familiar gates of studio releases with zeal. 

That’s the kind of overdone response to David Bowie’s 24th studio album which seems to be the prevailing opinion. 

To be fair, it is the Goblin King’s first foray in ten years. To have all the latent Bowie fanaticism in music critics pop up its androgynous head is far from surprising.   

The reality is that Bowie is one of the greatest of all time, a talented person, a living symbol of sex, success and doing things your own way.

Since the album is good and it’s a Bowie album, it’s all too easy to fall in love with it, to bump its status up to excellent.   

Caveats complete, “The Next Day” will sate those who have felt starved by his decade long absence. 

There are all the characteristics that have made Bowie stand out these last 40 years: that Talking Heads funkiness, occasional Jim Morrison vocal moments and tight riffy guitar that combine to form a distinct whole that could be generalized as “Oh so Bowie.” 

There was an initial worry, not immediately crushed, that Bowie would go the way of older stars—into straight incoherence.  While there are some Bob Dylan moments, his vocals are crisp and cut through the arrangements.  This is made easier by the predominance of sparse arrangements, which is to the benefit of the whole release. 

Some songs are destined to join the aforementioned canon of good stuff from a great, but “The Next Day” sports its standouts. 

There’s something about kicking off the album with the titular song, an up-tempo pop number that could fit seamlessly into one of his older records or a release from some of the indie groups of today.  To follow it with “Dirty Boys,” a deeply syncopated funk track worthy of a scene in a diamond caper sets up a thematic interplay that continues for the duration of the album.

This means that there is plenty of variety.  “How Does the Grass Grow” presents an almost trademark, trance-like, monosyllabic chorus.  The vocals on “Valentine’s Day” are quintessential Bowie.  “If You Can See Me” possesses the frenetic air befitting its subject matter.  “The Stars (Are Out Tonight)” is another song that benefits from the sparse arrangements, which is general trait of the more stand-out compositions on the record. 

The subject matter ranges from up-to-the-listeners’-interpretation to more autobiographical material to, surprise, surprise, space and star stuff. 

The songs don’t morph into some mighty Power Ranger; they present a coherent album though not a uniform vision. 

The current version available for streaming has 14 tracks.  The official release will have three bonus songs.

2.5 out of 4 stars

By: Shannon Ryan

What: The Deer Tracks

When: Tuesday, 9 p.m.

Where: 7th St. Entry, 701 N. First Ave., Minneapolis

Cost: $8 advance, $10 door

Age: 18+

When Sweden natives David Lehnberg and Elin Lindfors started making music together, they had no idea it would evolve into what it is today — a world-renowned experimental band on a national tour.

Atmospheric electronica outfit The Deer Tracks was born out of a quest for sweetened vocals and an ineffable connection of their spirits. David was mesmerized by Elin’s voice at a performance with her old band and felt compelled to create music with her.

“David asked me to come sing backup vocals for him so I went to the studio and we started recording and we kept on recording,” Lindfors said. “There was a connection that I felt right away, so I kept going [to the studio].”

The duo’s stage name functions as an homage to the woodland creature, originating from a shared theory about the allegorical interpretation of the inscrutability of a deer’s gaze.

“When a deer comes out of the woods and looks at you, it’s very intense, but you can’t read anything off of their eyes,” Lehnberg said. “So we’re thinking if you follow their tracks you’ll discover something — like treasure or something magical.”

The duo’s casual acceptance of the surreal and intrinsic value for the gifts from nature permeate its music, ostensibly in the band’s ethereal trilogy “The Archer,” its latest recorded effort.

Released in three separate albums, accompanied by a prologue of five tracks, “The Archer” shifts between trance-like melodies and heavily synthesized pop textures. Lindfors’ dreamy vocals soar above enigmatic sound-scapes in tracks like “Road To” and “Lazarus,” both notable for their quixotic blends.

The two artists recorded the trilogy in a number of peculiar places — a remote cabin in Sweden; an island’s lighthouse; and an old factory — discovering the variety of organic elements to be the inspiration for their sound.

“We feel very connected to nature and the universe, and we want to be in different places just to experience different things,” Lehnberg said. “If you record everything at the same place every time, it’s going to sound the same.”

Sonically, The Deer Tracks thrive from the fusion of Lehnberg’s electronic prowess and Lindfors’ haunting vocals; however, that union wouldn’t be as intertwined without their holistic — and somewhat vague — spiritual beliefs.

“I think we are all connected, and everything we do is out of love or out of lack of love,” Lehnberg said. “And I believe in the self: myself.”

“For me,” Lindfors said, “I believe in myself, and I believe that everyone has the tools to be everything they want to be.”

“If you find inner peace and harmony you can do anything.”

The intergalactic haze and otherworldly, organic vitality of the duo hits Minneapolis on Tuesday at the Entry. Realists encouraged to apply; surrealists and dream weavers, no applications necessary.

Let’s head back a few years to the chiffon and tulle times of papier-mâché magic, courtship qualms and queens and kings honored in popularity. The hairspray is heavy and the bobby pins are plenty. The girls are beautified and the boys ready for the post-event bubbly. You wake up with a streak of glitter here, a dash of regret there and a faint sound of “Boom Boom Pow” thumping against your temples, greeting your morning rise. Hello again, prom.

Undoubtedly labeled as one of the most memorable events of your teen years, prom had an entire page of diary scribbles and an entire day’s worth of locker room yak. And though the ratio of hair-bounce-per-step and the precise number of nail coats you painted are since long forgotten, one factor remains crisp in your mind: your prom dress.

Its exact color, how it made you feel, where you bought it and all its other darling details remain strong in your mind. Much more than just accidental details, they were direct style choices, reflecting your sense of sartorial self then and hinting at a similar, more evolved sartorial self now. With hundreds of embellished bodices, slink-and-sexy necklines and layers of taffeta to choose from, which type of gown were you and what does that say about you now?

Then: Long, slim stunner

Wowing the crowd, court and royals in a sleek and elongated number, you chose a mature silhouette in a presumably silk, satin or light chiffon fabric to be your eye candy of the evening. Either a sweet, solid shade or a wild and whimsy print—depending on your teen mood and level of affection for Rihanna — either choice reflects a similarly modish sartorial mind.

Now: Trendsetter

The slim and supple nature of this type of dress suggests you adore the Hollywood starlets and seek a look more refined and ripe. You follow trends more closely than your peers and are generally more comfortable in your own skin, owning your personal style to the nines.

Then: Ball gown beauty

A Cinderella darling was your decision for the evening of partying, posing and picture snapping, which speaks to the traditional and fairytale femininity you seek in apparel. With warm weather comes warm color palettes and pretty pastels, your dress-color decision assumedly taking the form of a light yellow or a deep periwinkle.

Now: Feminine belle

Steering your ship far away from the gripping, body-conscious numbers seen on the fashionistas of your party pack, your bubblegum princess pick indicates your draw toward the traditional and craving for fantasy. Perhaps you find solace in button-downs and blouses, pleated skirts and perfected ringlets, but you seek a fine sequin top and lacey undergarments to feed your craving for the fantastic.

Then: Short and sassy sista

Rogue and rebellious and a rather raucous choice amongst the floor-length fabrics that doused your peers, your alternative choice no doubt garnered stares and snickers though left you unabashed and unbridled on the dance floor. Your nearing-knee-length playful treat of tulle and taffeta construction, perhaps saturated in a shade of romantic red or venomous black, mirrored your playful take on style and attraction to the unconventional.

Now: Free spirit

Perhaps charmed by neon palettes and Betsey Johnson charisma, you experiment with your wardrobe, unaffected by trends and seeking to sartorially please no one but yourself. You find yourself laughing at the recent revelation of mixing bold prints — a statement you’ve been wearing since childhood — and build your closet one found hoodie at a time.

By: Joe Kellen

Today

Past the Apocalypse

Altered Esthetics

 1224 Quincy St. NE., Minneapolis

1:00 p.m. – 7:00 p.m.

Free

Whether you were a diehard believer in the apocalypse predictions for December 21st, 2012 or wrote it off as more eschatological garbage, there’s no denying that humans have an obsession with the destruction of the world as we know it. This is the theme of Altered Esthetics’ exhibition of the endtimes, featuring over fifteen artists working in a wide variety of mediums. Today’s your last chance, though—this apocalyptic art show ends its approximately month long run after 7 p.m.

Friday

Eels

First Avenue

701 1^st Ave. N., Minneapolis

8 p.m.

$27.50

The acclaimed singer-songwriter is back on tour to promote the release of his new album “Wonderful, Glorious.” His emotionally complex lyrics, offbeat persona and multifaceted backing band are sure to produce a worthwhile experience this Friday. Known for his idiosyncratic live performances, Mark Oliver Everett’s project will keep you guessing, especially with openers like juggling duo Caught in the Act and a curiously ambiguous artist that adopts the title of “Frank Sinatra.”

Saturday

“After the Apple”

The Playwright’s Center

2301 East Franklin Ave., Minneapolis

 7:30 p.m.

$16.00

The Playwright’s Center is bringing forth yet another collection of new plays to the table, this time focusing on nine local female artists. Each of these short works are performed in their entirety every night of the run, making for an experience that will bring its audiences to innumerable states of engagement. The collection is billed as a grab bag of theater that plays across heartwarming morality tales, ridiculously funny satires and provocative experimental pieces, promising that this evening of stories has something for everyone.

CULTURE TO CONSUME

Listen to this: “Brain-Dumb” by STNNNG

Local art punk mad scientists STNNNG are releasing their new album “Empire Inward” on Feb. 23, and this is its single. Layering distorted guitar that fires like a Gatling gun on top of a pulsating drum line that wouldn’t sound out of place at a tweeked out gathering for mephedrone popping percussion fiends, “Brain-Dumb” is a great introduction to the eccentric catalogue of the band. Be wary, though, STNNNG isn’t afraid to shake your eardrums with authoritative force.

Watch this: RussiaToday’s ”Meteorite crash in Russia: Video of meteorite explosion that stirred panic in Urals region”

If you haven’t heard about the astronomical insanity that took science news by storm last Friday, here’s your chance to see the incident from multiple vantage points. This YouTube video presents a number of bystander clips and has understandably become viral over the past few days. Not only is the footage awe-inspiring and somewhat terrifying, but a compilation of footage like this reveals a number of things about the cultural significance of catastrophes. What it is about disasters that brings people together is ineffable in its own right, and 20 million views later, it’s crystal clear that something powerful happened there.

Read this: “Here Is What Happens When You Cast Lindsay Lohan In Your Movie” the New York Times, Jan. 2013

Everyone’s talking about “The Canyons” and we’re all waiting for it to finally come out. It could see a theatrical release this summer, but there aren’t any concrete announcements just yet. Even if it doesn’t ever see the silver screen, reading about the arduous process of making the erotic thriller is definitely more fun than anticipating it. This first-person account of the unsettling relationship between Paul Schrader, Lindsay Lohan and the unfortunate cast and crew of “The Canyons” provides some humorous and slightly disturbing insight on the film. Besides, what better way is there to spend your time than updating your James Deen knowledge?

By: Shannon Ryan

An evening of fashion, fiction and fantasy, Saturday marked the 45th annual University of Minnesota apparel design’s senior class fashion show: Flux. Seventeen design students have been developing, constructing and executing their designs since spring  2012, having completed their collections before finals this past fall semester.

This student-produced fashion showcase fits in accordance with the rest of the industry, which is currently celebrating the wonder of design through each fashion capital’s visionaries. It’s only fitting that the University revel in some of this glory.

Entering the atrium of Rapson Hall on the night of the 16th felt like walking into a very well-lit edition of a “My Super Sweet 16” episode. There were beats bumpin’, lists curated, photos snappin’, a bleak table of refreshments and a makeshift runway in the center of it all. The excitement was palpable and the crowd generous, both in terms of bodies in seats and encouragement for their peers. The excitement and hope for peeping new talent was strong among the attendees.

Peplum, snake print, leather embellishment and petite prints walked the floor in designs from both the sophomore and junior design class prior to the seniors’ reveal, and the designs were a mixed bag of treats: some sweet, some delicious and some quite bitter, though none soured my palate. It was a promising beginning to the evening.

Just a few minutes past 8 p.m., the senior fashion show was in full orbit, opening with designs from senior Jen Voth, the models strutting an en pointe pace to the rhythm of a slow jam R&B beat lost in a cloud of synth. Voth’s designs can be considered ready to wear in a small sense of the concept, as they resembled yoga wear for the couture darling — fine for those seeking to humble their mind and body in quite exceptionally executed garments bathed in a soft color palette.

The show progressed with some fashion show shake-ups: barefoot models from designer Misty Karges; center stage serenity poses from the models dressed by Grace Lorig; sassy studded belts around spunky and costumed children in Issa Mello’s collection.

Sherry Sanden Will’s collection extended an authoritative hand in beautifully-constructed business-appropriate fashions for women. Geared toward those a decade or so a student’s senior, Will paired wool fabrics and silks saturated in tangerines, navys, nudes and deep reds on longer-hemmed dresses, skirts and blouses with superb lines of execution.

Though all 17 of the budding designers crafted designs worth unveiling, some more costume-based and some more event appropriate, three designers’ constructions harnessed my attention and whetted my palate of sartorial sweetness more than the others: Claire Ward, Ellie Hottinger and Mai Yang.

Ward has a talent in making the unconventional look conventional, playing with volume, embellishing vinyl, using rexlace as fabric and wowing the crowd with untraditional texture pairings.

Hottinger delighted eyes with her Carrie Bradshaw tutus and nude-colored dresses of chiffon and rayon. The collection mixed elegance with insouciance, pairing loosely fitted sleeveless top halves with cascading ruffles and voluminous lower halves.

As for Yang, her designs were the most ready to wear of the evening, insofar that they appeared boutique-worthy at first — and second — glance. A divine pair of embellished party shorts and a glam color palette sublime for holiday gatherings frosted this darling collection; local boutiques will be battling for this student’s talent.

The fashion show concluded with the display of the designers, their talent and the models lining the walls of the building. Though the sweat, blood and tears that poured through the thimbles were unseen, the hard work, passion and delight for the craft was evident in all 17 students.

By: Shannon Ryan

Where my well-dressed fellas at? I know you’re out there, guys; perhaps you’re buried underneath some stodgy high school tees and University of Minnesota sweats, but I see through that. I believe in the power of dress.

If I squint my eyes ever so slightly, I see a budding fashionisto behind those abysmal wind pants and shoddy running shoes. You just need some guidance to let your dark and debonair side see some light.

Question 1:

When ordering a drink, which do you prefer?

A. Pabst Blue Ribbon

B. Rum and Coke

C. Scotch on the rocks

D. Stella Artois

Question 2:

When getting dinner with a date for the first time, where would you take him/her?

A. The Loring Pasta Bar

B. The Bachelor Farmer

C. Bryant-Lake Bowl

D. La Belle Vie

Question 3:

When participating in a formal event, which do you prefer to put on?

A. Skinny Tie

B. Clip-on Necktie

C. Regular Necktie

D. Bow Tie

Question 4:

When getting dressed in the morning, which type of pant are you most likely to slip into?

A. Corduroys

B. Jeans

C. Trousers

D. Sweatpants

Question 5:

Which of these upcoming concerts would you pull the trigger and purchase tickets for first?

A. Tame Impala

B. Rihanna

C. Kenny Chesney

D. Jim James

Question 6:

Where do you like to get your beak wet on the weekends?

A. Blarney Pub and Grill

B. Icehouse

C. Palmer’s Bar

D. Prohibition

Key:

1. A. 2; B. 1; C. 4; D. 2
2. A. 2; B. 3; C. 1; D. 3
3. A. 1; B. 0; C. 2; D. 2
4. A. 2; B. 1; C. 3; D. 0
5. A. 2; B. 2; C. 1; D. 2
6. A. 1; B. 2; C. 2; D. 3

8 points and below: Simple Boi

Fashion may very well be foreign to you, and you’re disinterested in its entirety, but don’t stop reading quite yet — I’m not asking too much from you. A simple and classic way to spruce up your evening apparel is to put on a pair of dark denim and a printed button-down, then toss on a light, v-neck sweater top in a solid shade. For shoes, remember this cardinal rule: Never wear running shoes when going out. To stay casual, wear a pair of printed sneakers or slip-ons. This is a clean and easy look that leans in the right direction, toward adulthood instead of puberty.

9-12 points: Hip Kid

Though you have a certain style to you already, try dipping into a larger pool of items to add some jam to the peanut butter already on your palate. Try a pair of skinny trousers in an unorthodox shade of mustard or deep mahogany, coupled with a thrifted, worn tee or a simple henley underneath a fitted sports coat. Go ahead and wear your Chucks to the party for a little more hip flavor, and cap the look off with a beanie of your choice. Don’t quote me, but I think that’s what “fresh to death” looks like.

13-15 points: Fashionisto

You’ve got style, boy. Let people see. Wearing a pair of dark denim in a slim fit always leads an outfit on a cool note — now add a button-down and a tie to add some heat. Don’t leave it at that, though — add some more visual stimulation with a vest. Vests are great to dress up jeans, especially if the jean is a dark wash and not faded. Wearing a plaid or striped button-down will keep the look casual and rolling up the sleeves a tad will make it appear more effortless. Finish the outfit with a pair of leather oxfords on the dogs and a leather jacket over your shoulders.

16-17 points: Dapper Dawg

Well, well, well, you Scott Disick homage, you. Suave may very well be your middle name, but quit letting people have to guess at it. I urge you to play with patterns. Mix a tweed blazer with a gingham shirt and a polka dot bow tie for an aesthetically pleasing explosion of prints. Offset the eccentric nature of your upper half with a pair of navy trousers and a set of tasseled loafers for some feet-flair. I apologize for the obscene amount of phone numbers you’re about to get.