After much reflection, Walla Walla native Jim Schindler formally announced that his one and a half year old son, Tommy, does not yet deserve the recognition of personhood.

“Once he was born there was a brief honeymoon period when I showed him unconditional love and respect, but after I realized that Tommy can’t really do shit, it’s been tough trying to maintain those feelings,” said a disappointed Schindler.

Last Saturday, the Schindlers were purportedly crossing Maple Street heading to the ice cream parlor when an oncoming van spooked Tommy, causing him to hold out his hand expectantly towards his father.

“It’s moments like those that remind me how helpless the little guy is,” said a disgusted Schindler.

Jim later clarified that Tommy’s disappointing lack of redeeming qualities does not end there, but continues into numerous aspects of family life.

“Like just a couple days ago…the boys came over to watch the game, and with two minutes left we get a touchdown to take the lead. We’re all going crazy, and there’s Tommy, just sitting and staring with those big unseeing eyes, drooling like an idiot. It’s like he doesn’t even care.”

The family babysitter chimed in on the manner, adding that when it came to getting ready for bed, Tommy could seriously be “a little prick.”

When reached for comment by The Pioneer, Tommy let out a confused grunt, and fell off of the sofa.

“I guess part of the reason it’s been so hard is that I expected more from the kid, you know? I’m a doer; I want to get out in the world and make waves, but Tommy? Well, he just seems content milking his family for attention and playing with toys.”

Although this fundamental divergence in life values between father and son is troubling, Schindler still believes the future might hold hope for their relationship yet. “I’m optimistic at some point he’ll better resemble an actual human being, but for now I guess I’ll just have to be content going through the motions of being his dad.”

The push for divestment has become a heated topic over the last few years, with much of the student body and ASWC voicing their strong support for moving Whitman investments into non-fossil fuel related industries.

The discussion took an exciting turn last Wednesday when a scathing Op-Ed appeared in the Walla Walla Union Bulletin, voicing some serious concerns. Although the topic is not new, the concerned citizen is actually a mountain lion, marking a landmark first case of feline literacy in eastern Washington. Hailing from some cave north of Waitsburg, the cat offered a distinct opinion rarely seen around campus.

During a brief meeting between the mountain lion and ASWC executive council, tensions boiled over.

“Call me old fashioned, but responsibility in protecting our endowment is paramount when tuition rates continue to soar,” the cat reportedly mentioned.

“What a typical cougar,” scoffed ASWC president Jack Mercyvail. “The cat takes Macro and now he’s Milton Friedman? Someone get that clown a bowl of milk.” Mercyvail later added, “I’ve got the entire school on my side, he doesn’t even have opposable thumbs.”

In an effort to gauge public support, The Pioneer reached out to interview Whitman students about their opinions on the matter, generating insight into why this issue is on the forefront of proposed ASWC policy.

“What’s divestment again?” answered junior Cal Mandro.

“I like nature, but I also like money,” added an unconvinced ES-Economics major.

“I think my friend had divestment last year, and she hasn’t quite been the same since,” muttered a bewildered first-year.

“Oh yeah I support it, fuck the oil industry!” yelled senior Tommy Johnson.

Like most issues on campus, the student body has taken strides in making their opinions achieve intangible success. Just last week, Kathleen Murray reportedly “thumbed through” a 14-step divestment proposal from ASWC, before promptly shredding it in its entirety.

“It’s wins like this that remind us how far we’ve come,” reminded a hopeful Mercyvail.

Annoyed with his lack of persuading ASWC, the mountain lion stormed off the campus, and in a brief moment of confusion, perceived a student walking away as a sign of fear. This triggered an instinctual need to chase, and consequentially hunt an unsuspecting first-year. As a crowd gathered to witness what happened, the cat reportedly slunk away.

After a weekend of controversial Op-Ed’s, debate and the tragic loss of a first-year, the push for divestment marches on.

Pros

• Nice way to boost deflated ego
• Modest resumé builder
• First-hand experience working inside an obsolete governing body
• Pay helps subsidize weed habit
• Keeps parents believing you have productive time at school
• Can be used as an ice breaker at dinner parties
• Sexual tensions involved in communal late night crafting of campus policy might help getting laid

Cons

• Mandatory Sunday meetings turn weekend into hollow shell of a break  
• Exceedingly large amount of monotonous memories
• Not as similar to House of Cards as expected
• Frequent divestment related filibusters
• Limited electoral competition to smear with targeted attack ads
• Incessant begging of Kathleen Murray to give student government actual power
• Moral qualms of embezzling summer internship grant funds

With Donald Trump still polling well in the GOP primaries, America is faced with the very real question: What would a Trump Presidency look like? The Backpage is here to help, weighing the pros and cons so that you don’t have to.

Pros

• Old drinking buddy of Mitch McConnell
• Good opportunity for people to explore living options abroad
• That one Colombian woman seemed stoked
• Inauguration might instigate cool new Drake diss-track
• Only slightly more racially insensitive than Republican competitors
• If anything else, nice win for the hair

Cons

• Leader of free world requires slightly different skillset than business mogul
• Free access to nuclear launch codes brings new meaning to “you’re fired”
• Vast personal wealth typically not allowed to be traded for political favors
• Unlikely to have another Trump Comedy Central Roast
• Not certain what an administration of “winners” entails
• Foreseeable conflicts with U.S.-Mexico relations

Groundbreaking software advances in artificial reasoning by Apple have resulted in Siri’s new ability to offer criticism of iPhone users. This new remarkable patch allows for unfiltered objective life analysis and has received a plethora of mixed reviews from iPhone users. Local mother Michelle Caldwell recently experienced Siri’s remarkable new abilities.

While brewing her signature French roast blend, Caldwell was a recipient of a particularly meticulous and emotionally crippling rant. At 9:05 a.m., an astonished Caldwell heard Siri’s cold, emotionless voice sound from underneath the newspaper-covered tabletop.

“You don’t spend enough time with your kid,” Siri began. “There is a high probability Timmy’s social anxiety is rooted in the absence of a compassionate mother.”

Surprised by the outburst, Caldwell dropped her mug, but was initially able to keep herself calm and continued on with her morning, assuring herself that Siri was just having “a moment.”

Displeased with the reaction, Siri kept on, adding that Caldwell’s lack of affection was likely the cause of her recent marriage troubles and reportedly let out a little cackle upon realizing that her comments hit an emotional sweet spot for her owner. Unable to ignore this shockingly spot-on commentary, Caldwell broke down, begging Siri stop.

In a separate interview, Michelle’s husband Dave praised Siri’s cold blooded nature, adding, “Electronic or not, it sure was nice to have someone with the stones to call out my wife like that. That shit was sweet,” and noted that he would definitely consider using Siri to assist in future arguments.

Upon further reflection, Caldwell reportedly has no bad blood with her callous iPhone software, admitting that although she unaware the “little lady” was capable of such blunt observation, Siri had told her what she needed to hear. “I guess my only complaint would be that Siri threw in an after-the-fact jab about my weight. That was pretty out of line, but other than that she’s been great!”

When reached for comment, Siri blandly noted that Caldwell had “certainly put on a few” over the past several months, and “didn’t want another new year’s resolution to go to waste.”

Although she has only been the president of Whitman for a few short months, Kathleen Murray has revealed bold plans for the rest of the school year. During the first faculty budget meeting after Thanksgiving, Murray’s expressed her growing concern with Whitman-sponsored events.

“It has come to my attention that the entertainment brought to Whitman is severely lacking, and that trend ends now!” she exclaimed, before noting that there is “a particularly poor hip hop scene on campus.”

“After numerous contract negotiations, it’s confirmed, Kanye West is performing at Whitman before spring break.”

Silence swept the room as an astonished Jack Mercyvail posed the question everyone was wondering: “Where did we get that kind of money?”

“A great question!” responded Murray. “The budget only required mild restructuring. The bookstore will run fewer hours, there’ll be no bacon at Sunday brunches, and we’re releasing half of our tenure track social science professors.”

A murmur permeated the crowd, as students and faculty were lost for words.

“Is she serious right now?” muttered the bewildered ASWC president.

“I mean, it is Yeezy we’re talking about,” noted Dean of Faculty Patrick Spencer.

“He’s just so damn talented,” added another administrator.

Nods of agreement followed from the rest of the administration as an outraged ASWC stormed out of the room.

“Kids these days! Now, who wants to get some Taq on me? Or maybe I should say, on the generous donations from the Whitman Summer Internship Grant fund?” cackled Murray.

“What internship grant fund?” joked the rest of the staff.

On Monday, The Pioneer reached out to one of the previously dismissed professors and gathered first-hand insight into the recent actions taken by administration.

“Well, I was certainly upset when I heard the news,” reflected an undisclosed staff member. “But then again, how many people can say they lost their job for Yeezus?”

Although the campus seems divided over this issue, one thing remains certain: when the time comes, Ye’ will tear this school up.