3/24 to 3/30:

3/24: At 11:98 a.m. a red bicycle was sighted outside of the Ferland Engineering Education and Design Center (FEEDC). I slashed the tires because bikes suck.

3/25: At 1:12 p.m. a blue bicycle was spotted outside Fogler Library. The brake line was cut, so now the proud owner can stop doing bicycle activities.

At 4:20 p.m. I saw a bike stare at me maliciously. Now it’s dead.

3/26: 12:34 p.m. an infant was strategically placed on a bicycle. We don’t know where it went lol. It’s gone.

3/27: A bicycle ran over a freshman (LITTLE KID). The act was believed to be a hate crime. Stay vigilant as the bike is still on the loose.

At 8:00 p.m. a bicycle ate the leftover chicken I was saving. I’m now requesting it owes me $14 through venmo. That was my chicken.

3/29: At 3:00 a.m. your mom gave me some of her famous cherry flavored muffins.

At 6:00 p.m. I ran into your mom at the baseball game (YRMUM), she said that she misses me. There could possibly be a bike involved in this encounter, but we’re not sure.

3/30: At 8:00 p.m. The Maine Steiners aggressively biked around the mall and rapped Drake (CALLMEONMYCELLPHONE). I’m lying..that didn’t actually happen, but I’m waiting for the day that it does.